Not how the world operates..

"If you get something, you get it because God gave it to you not because someone else gave it to you or because you deserve it or not."

Lianne Mendoza

The Good Stuff

Blessed Christmas everyone! :)

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift, Jesus Christ :)

It's been more than a year since I started working as a nurse in a mental institution. Tomorrow will be our deliberation day where the theme is "Who will stay?"
My contract will come to an end in less than a week and the outcome of tomorrow's deliberation will finalize whether I will stay and be a regular employee or I will bid the mental institution goodbye.
I still don't know whether I'm for this and I haven't heard from God about it or I just "refuse" to listen.
I don't know but I'm not very anxious about tomorrow. I know that whatever the result may be, it is willed and permitted by God. Nothing I can do to stop what He planned for my life.

In my devotion tonight in Luke 1, it's about Zechariah seeing an angel of the Lord on his duty as a priest in the temple. Zechariah was chosen by lot to go into the Temple to burn incense. A quick background: Zechariah was a priest and Elizabeth was his wife. They were both upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children because Elizabeth was barren and they were both advanced in years. When the angel appeared before Zechariah's eyes, the emotion he first felt was fear for the angel may bring good news or bad news. Then the angel assured him to not be afraid for his prayer has been answered. His wife Elizabeth will bear a son who "will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born. He will bring back many of the people of Israel to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord” (Luke 1:14-17). What a great promise that is! It's a sure deal because an angel of the Lord delivered the news. 

But Zechariah doubted and asked "How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years." In reply, the angel said "I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time."

A promise was told, the recipient doubted, he was silenced, the promise was fulfilled. 

Our doubts cannot change what God has planned. When God gives us a promise, it is not to give Him permission to fulfill it or not but to change our heart. It is a privilege to be a witness of God's good promises but when we start to doubt them and God, the joy in being involved in that promise is lost. Yes, the promise will happen but our hearts will remain unchanged.

In the case of Zechariah, he was silenced. for 9 months he couldn't proclaim or share his joy in words with people. The privilege to shout God's goodness to people was taken away from him because he doubted. Let us not waste the opportunity to take part in God's promise. 

I doubted God's good promises most of the time because I fear disappointment but it's God we're talking about here. Just who am I to doubt God? Who am I to demand things from God? Who is God?

Never doubt what God has told you even when the promise seems impossible because we serve the God of impossibilities. 

Who is God to you?

Let God be God. Not just a Sunday God, a Genie, a Busy Father, or an Old Gramp. He is God and He is bigger than what we can imagine, He is immeasurable and indescribable., the Alpha and Omega, the Creator.
 
To be honest, I don't know if God has already given an answer whether I stay or not in my present job but one thing's for sure, He is God. 

Never doubt God's love for you. If the Cross isn't enough to convince you of His love, what would?
Christmas is not just about happy carolers and giving gifts. We have Christmas because Jesus, the Son of God, was born into this world to redeem us.
Jesus gave up His life to save you, what else would He withhold from you? God desires what's best for you. The best may not be what we initially want but it's the best. And if you have Jesus in your life, what else do you lack? Nothing.
 

Please wait....

I've been waiting a lot lately.

Last week, I waited for my friend to arrive for half an hour (not sure haha). I woke up and traveled early. I didn't have a decent sleep and I waited. I started waiting at dawn until the sun was up greeting me a warm day ahead. 

The other day, I waited for my mom for an hour. She joined the christmas party at work and was seated at the front row. She asked me to sit with her but I didn't want to because of reasons I am too lazy to enumerate here. So I waited for her with a cup of hot chocolate, alone. I was hoping to immerse myself with good music but my Ipod ran out of battery. So there was me at the middle of the festive night, sitting alone, sipping her hot chocolate. It was tiring and melancholic.

Yesterday, I waited again for my mom at the grocery store and street corner. It was tiring and irritating. My eyebrows almost crossed each other and the corners of my lips nearly touched my chin. People were afraid to be near me thinking I would explode anytime.I think I really would.

I don't like waiting. Sometimes, I loathe it. It's boring and a waste of my time.
I don't like waiting in line. I'd rather hunger and thirst than to wait in line at the nearest food store.

I'd rather not get what I want than wait.

Yeah, that's pride welling up. I realized I have this self-entitlement that I should not wait.
I am impatient. I want to get things now and if I don't, I'd whine and give up.
I see how proud I am, how little I give, how lazy I am to love just because it's inconvenient for me.

Love is patient.

Love waits and perseveres. It stays. It forgives. It understands.
  
I hate it when people make me wait but God waits on me and stays even when I ran a hundred times, even when I'm too lazy to talk to Him, even when I just simply don't want to love people. He waits, stays, and never gave up on me even when I did.

Stuttering tutor episode 1

I've tutored four students tonight and it was really fun. I enjoyed having free conversations to older students and giving exercises and checking their essays. I spent 2hours and 30 minutes tutoring and talking. Facing the small screen of my netbook strained my eyes and I realized it's not easy to teach.

You have to keep the conversation going and I am NOT a conversationalist! I used to have a lot of dead air moments. 

I've been thinking lately that being a nurse and a teacher are two difficult professions because it involves life.You get to have a closer and bigger view of a person's life, be it a patient or a student. It is very personal thus needing a heart and passion for it.

This part-time job is more than earning extra bucks.

Stuttering tutor

I want extra income so I tried online tutoring. I am to teach english to koreans via the internet. Today was my  interview and it was so awkward! I stuttered and words couldn't come out of my mouth properly. I didn't know what to say and I suck big time! A boring online tutor I will be :((
I hid my face because I look so haggard! The interview lasted for only 20 minutes.
It was a disaster, I tell you haha
Tomorrow is the demo and I don't know what to teach or say, I haven't picked a topic yet. I am thinking of a quote the student can explain..
I am not confident with my verbal communication skill, I can only write :| But I need to practice for my IELTS. I want to work outside the country and New Zealand's what I am eyeing for haha
*sigh*

Will be a tutor again? An English tutor this time.

the cliche in love: i love you with your flaws

It's so easy to say we love people with their flaws if their flaws don't hurt us.
We're so quick to say, 'it's OK if you're neither pretty nor healthy, it's OK if you're always late or you cook bland foods, it's OK if you move slow..I'm OK with your flaws'. But what if the person's flaws are something that hurts you? What if she does something unconsciously that hurt you? Can you forgive and love still? Or give up and say 'it's too tiring to love this person because I'm hurt'.

Let's admit it : we're selfish. When something is inconvenient for us, when we're hurt, we stop and drop everything and let the relationship we said we 'love' and 'treasure' shatter to the ground. We always see ourselves as the victim, we say 'I've loved too much, I've given too much'

Why is it like that? Where's the love in 1Corinthians 13?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

(here's another version of the verse from English standard version)

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things.

⁸ Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

Love is enduring the pain it comes with. Nobody said love is pain-free. We decorated love so much that when we see the ugly, tattered side of the person we claimed to love, we step back and run away in disgust. Everyone is flawed and that is the loud booming truth.

“I don’t know a perfect person.

 I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.”

 John Green

Isn't love embracing the good with the bad? Didn't Jesus embrace us when we're stinking in sin?

If Jesus, the Son of God, gave everything even his life to save you, nothing we give is too much, even love.

it's glittery and it's yellow

I received a yellow glittery box for my birthday.

It contains color pens and a small yellow album.

It has a picture of Wendy on its topmost page (I removed it from the sleeve for better view haha). 

Yes, that's me!

And inside the sleeves are cards with messages from my loves :)

Thank you God for such people who are willing to love...in action :)

Adventure, can you hear me?

Adventure...does it exist?

I was watching a historical romantic Korean drama about a girl who disguises herself  as a boy to enter a prestigious school exclusively for, yes you guessed it right, boys. Her desire to learn and to change her life drove her to do such act. In the drama, our heroine encounters many challenges - triumphs and defeats. But a protagonist is never alone. She has 3 young lads along with her in her adventures inside the school and in life. There, I said it. Adventure. That word popped into my mind while watching the drama. Her life's full of adventures..not a dull minute. Well yes because it's fiction but still I want to believe real lives are more colorful than what we see in dramas.

And so a question was raised. Adventure? Does it still exist? 

 After watching, I saw my dad downstairs on his usual place. He was sitting at the far end of the table facing his laptop watching videos/news. My dad used to have lots of adventures but not now. He stays at home, watches news, washes my uniforms, watches news, sometimes watches movies, finds job in the internet, and stays home most of the week. What is adventure for him?

I look at my life. Nothing seems to move and it's not also being still. It feels like I am stuck somewhere in this endless universe. My life seems to be in a box labeled "work". I spend 5 days a week working. Work is not hard, it not just it. I want to love what I do. I want to work in such a way that even if I'm not paid with a hefty amount, I would still work and give my 100% because I love it.

I think my life is plain. Adventure seems a far off destination I could not go.
But then I squeezed my brain to bring to surface my lost memoir of adventures.

As a kid, adventure was as simple as running along the corridor with your friends, collecting newspapers for school project, running in the rain, cheering for your team, cleaning the classroom, going to new places outside your city, boat ride in less than a minute, getting your dream clothes for a very low price, dissecting a frog, walking late on the street, discovering a personal space at school where only you know, sneaking to get a glimpse of your crush, and the list goes on.

As a kid, everything is an adventure. Where does that spirit go? I have yet to uncover. Hopefully I could find it again. Finding it seems like the start of an adventure, don't you think? :-)

Oh, the places you'll go!

“And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So...get on your way!”

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

When it was too far to walk

I miss jeepney rides.

I started riding jeepney alone when I was in 2nd year high school when my dad flew to a distant country to work. We sold our car because no one knew how to drive except him.
I remember that day when I first rode my country's original, the jeepney. It was my friend's birthday and her house, the venue, was just a jeepney ride away from mine. I went there with them from our school but had to go home alone. They "para" or stopped the passing jeepney for me and told the driver to drop me to our street. I rode and was silently observing the people. The jeepney was packed you couldn't hardly move an inch. There's a deafening sound from the stereo and some head-popping-feet-tapping people. I could smell the perfume and sweat of the persons beside me. It was quite an adventure for a 15-year old me.

I started riding jeepneys everyday in college. My school was 3 jeepney rides away from our home. It's a 45-minute travel. I enjoyed it most when there's music playing, not the loud ones. Jeepney ride gives me time to ponder on things and to observe different people. It gives me a sense of tranquility somehow. I feel like I'm up for an adventure because several times had I been lost riding a jeepney. There were times the jeepney would go on a different path from the usual that I am familiar with.Sometimes it would take me farther from my destination that I had to take another ride back.  There were times when countless jeepneys would pass me by and none of them would stop because they were full. In some days I would squeezed myself in just to get home. It was quite an adventure really, the four years I rode the jeepney.

Then I started working somewhere very near in our home. My workplace is just a 10-minute walk from home and when there are lazy days I don't want to walk, I just ride a tricycle and in less than 5minutes I am home.

Last week I went to see a dermatologist in Makati. A different city from where I live. I was with my parents and it was 2 jeepney rides away. The first ride was not very fun because it was short and it was full of people and there's no decent music. The second brought back memories. There were few passengers and there's good music. The sun had set and it was cold. I felt the cool air sweeping my cheeks.

I miss those days. The days where you're just waiting to arrive at your destination while enjoying the view and the sweet breeze. The days where silence is your companion.

I miss being still in this busy world.

the other side of the issue second best

I wanted to share an email sent by my discipler to us 'cause I believe this is also for you :-) 

I was prompted to encourage Wendy to believe that not only can God do the impossible, He can do the impossible in HER life because God loves her. She isn't a last resort, an unfavored daughter or anything of that kind. So I told the girls let's all turn to THE verse (Jan and I nicknamed it that because it's the favorite verse to quote in testimonies hahaha) which is Jeremiah 29:11. I have the NIV version in my mind so we were all in for a wonderful surprise when I read out loud from my version (my new KJV Bible).

*For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.*

Grabe. EXPECTED END. Lahat kami na pa-whoa. Who would've thought that theKJV version would make it so much clearer -- the future that God meant orreferred to in that verse? God is saying the future is not uncertain, it iscertain if it is in Me. And it is good, not evil.

She said what I couldn't put into words :)

God can do the impossible in your life. He knows your heart and you're never forgotten. He is good and he is God.

I am still confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

-Psalm 27:13 

 

  

 

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

Psalm 27:13

The issue within the issue of second best

The issue within the issue of second best.

Have you ever felt second best? I do and it sticks to me like a leech sucking my joy away. I've always thought I couldn't separate from that leech because 'it's the people around me who makes me second best'.

Yes, people may have intentionally or unintentionally made us feel second best, that we don't amount to anything hence we don't deserve the best (even the good  sometimes), but the real issue, the real deal is really (I'm using so much 'real' here haha) within ourselves. Because we let people define our worth? Partly yes. But maybe the real reason, the root of our insecurities and second best issue is the way we look at ourselves. We see ourselves, unconsciously or consciously, as someone deserving the best - the best treatment, the best anything - and when we don't get that, we get frustrated, feel mistreated, unloved, we begin to see ourselves as the victim.

How we measure ourselves affect how we perceive one's action towards us. The problem in the issue of second best is that we focus too much on ourselves; beneath that victim facade lies a villain that we created in and for ourselves. We're selfish, self-centered people, by nature, hiding in the pitiful mask of i-am-treated-second-best.

The remedy is to take the focus off ourselves, besides we're not the center of the universe.
Focus on the center of everything, the Creator of the universe and everything that existed, exists, will exist, and nonexistent, focus on Jesus.

pimples and more...pimples

Lately my pimples are popping every day! I tried applying almost everything in the cosmetic shops and beauty stores but nothing seems to work. I was getting really frustrated that I wanted to spend all my allowance for my face's sake! Even the patients were telling me that I have zits! (The zits are ripe for harvest!) My coworker was telling me the same and I was losing my confidence.

Image from ayearwithoutmirrors.com

My friends who know my life story were telling me that stress is the culprit! I couldn't agree more!

But as I am writing this, I know I couldn't blame everything on my stressor. I believe everything has its purpose. Yes, even zits.

A few months ago I wrote that beauty inside eventually will reflect outside. Those pimples, frizzy hair, or extra pounds don't define a person. Now, I have to remind myself of that! haha

I know that God wouldn't allow my pimples to flourish on my face without his knowing and permission. He knows every zit and blackhead on my face and he intricately placed them there for a purpose grander than I could think and that is for his glory. Right now, I have to put my security on God that no matter what people say about me is not as important as what God says about me. I want to stop focusing on myself and start looking on God. I want to saturate my mind with what God has to say through His Word rather than what people say about how I don't 'pass' as pretty to them. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and start following Jesus :-) I will embrace myself and everything in it. Jesus embraced me first with everything in me :-)

 ''Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.''. - Thessalonians 5:16-18

I may not have flawless skin, zit-free face' or coca-cola body but I am beautiful. K?
My Dad says it first :-)

And you are beautiful :-)

seeing beyond

Three brothers and a handicapped mother on an improvised wheelchair arrived at the emergency room of the psychiatric hospital. All of them was poorly groomed and barely had a bath in a week. The wheelchair of the mother was a recycled one with a monoblock chair as its seat. The mother has wounds and she has edematous legs. And if that scenario wasn't enough to move you to tears, the three brothers were all mentally ill. No sane person brought them to the hospital. The mother has poor eyesight and she was waving crumpled paper money trying to hand it to one of her sons to pay the ER fee. Our head nurse was moved to tears. The psychiatrists interviewed the brothers and admitted the two, the most stable one was sent home to take care of their aged mother. Our head nurse gave them free medicines for continuous treatment at home.

The mother looked in pain. She was cold and was looking for her socks which weren't there in the first place.

The scene was heartbreaking. How could a family have such fate? I asked God how such things could happen and yes I didn't get a definite answer but just this: God loves them and He knows them and where they are and he cares...definitely.

Love changes...

I often hear people say "Just love the person, it'll change him". Yes, there's nothing love can't reach, even the most notorious person can be moved by love. We are used to hearing stories of a bad-guy-turned-good stories because someone loved them despite of who they were. But as I try to live that "love your enemies" command by Jesus, I see the more that it's never an irony. Jesus really knew what he was teaching. Yes, it may seem absurd at first. But you see, when we love a person, he doesn't change immediately. Sometimes it may take years or a lifetime to see the change. But I think the reason why we should love our enemies is not really to change the person but us. You see, love changes not only the recipient of it but all the more the giver of it. I don't know with you but for me that's how love works. The people I love don't always respond in a mutual way. Sometimes they remain the same until they're out of my life but the love I give never fails to change me..even in the slightest way possible.

And oh, don't stress yourself if the person doesn't change, just keep loving. It's not really us who change a person but God :) I daresay my friend, keep loving; God loves you and that's where your source of love should be. Besides, God's vessel of love never runs dry. :)

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies. (from "Loving Your Enemies")”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

the boy in the cupboard under the stairs

It started (well not really the beginning) with a letter Harry received on his 11th birthday. 

 

(Actually, I just wanted to put that image hahaha...the next line is really my intro XD)

Harry felt a great leap of excitement. He didn't know what he was going to – but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind

-Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

This was when Harry first boarded Hogwarts Express. All his life he spent it with the Dursleys and it was nothing but plain boring, monotonous (maybe except for days when something odd took place like when he freed the snake). For the first time in his dear life he felt the excitement similar to when you're young and your parents brought you to Disneyland where it seemed like a whole new world was in front of you, like you're living in a dream made into reality. 


 


Everything was new to Harry. He didn't know he's a wizard. All he knew was that his parents died from a car accident (which is another lie from the Dursley) and he'll spend the rest of his life with the Dursleys who don't treat him like family or any better than slave. 

Harry didn't know he's destined for greatness. He didn't know he's born a royalty of some sort. He didn't know he's more than the boy in the cupboard under the stairs. He didn't know that at the very moment he received his lightning scar, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: ‘To Harry Potter – the boy who lived!’

I wonder what if Dumbledore didn't mind about Harry? What if he'd forgotten that he left a child in Privet Drive? What if Hagrid didn't go the extra mile to deliver Harry his letter? And what if Harry didn't believe in all that Hagrid's told him? That he's the Harry Potter, the celebrity-slash-hero in wizarding world. He probably wouldn't go to King's Cross, wouldn't risk his head being hit on solid wall, wouldn't meet the Weasleys, and probably wouldn't feel the excitement he felt when he believed what seemed to be unbelievable, surreal.

And I wonder if we're the same as he's? What if we cast our fears and venture into the impossible? What if we started living out our dreams and hopes? What if the impossible is just waiting for you to make it possible? What if you're destined for greatness? An adventure fitted and plotted just for you.

I know you are. You are a unique individual in this wonderful world. You exist because Someone wills that you exist and yes you have a purpose, a purpose grander and greater. God wills that you exist and more than existing but living.

pan

There could not have been a lovelier sight, but there was none to see it except a strange boy who was staring in at the window. Peter Pan had countless joys that other children can never know, but he was looking at the one joy from which he must be forever barred. 

-Peter Pan, 2003

 

Oh the days of paper dolls and sword sticks

I was reading my 2011 wall posts and it brought back memories. I had a loud year. Almost everyday my friends posted on my wall and it was not just a hi-hello post but rather the one with substance, one that's built over years of friendship. I miss those younger days where you're a carefree soul in this vast creation, where a Disney's movie could make you think of life, where sardines and rice were enough when your wallet's crying for justice. I miss those good old days with friends where you watched films and tried hard to wipe your tears secretly so that no one would notice that you've been greatly affected by the film and knowing in the end that all of you were trying to hide your tear-stained eyes. I miss bummer days, no work and wallet's almost empty but still you're happy and satisfied with the simple joys of life; contentment at its simplest.

I miss long midnight talks over the phone (good thing there's unli call and telephones are still functional). I miss the bad radiation that brought life together. I once told my friend that I miss the radiation cellphones bring. Yes the radiation that's bad for the health but good for the relationship. I sometimes wonder if I ever regret having those late night talks because I'm missing it now but then again I should be thankful and I am that it was part of my life even for a short time.

I miss the days before I entered the corporate world, days when time seemed yours and unlimited, where music never stopped and your feet never got tired from dancing, where night couldn't stop you from adventures, where you could run and laugh and no one cared.

With these, I just want to say that I miss being a kid. A kid who trusts and loves extravagantly. A kid who doesn't worry about tomorrow for she knows her Father is in control. A kid who trusts and believes that people are meant to be good. A kid who's not afraid to love and be loved. A kid who doesn't doubt the goodness in every person. A kid who's so secure with her identity. A kid who believes that she's beautiful. A kid who fully depends on her Father. A kid who's not in need of anything and not scared and anxious of life because she feels safe in her Daddy's arms.

God, I want to have that child-like faith again. To start believing again in Your goodness and love and to live in that. 

pride rock is eroding

Our senior nurse had to manage the other ward with no nurse on duty so she left our ward since there were 2 of us "contractual" nurses on duty. We had the head nurse on the other ward as our senior nurse. I am not in good terms with that sir (I don't know why) because there was this one incident wherein my senior nurse didn't report on duty so he was a nurse-reliever in the ward and he didn't even go to check how our patients were; I didn't see a shadow of him for that 8 hours and it was a toxic day because we had a weak patient. So back to the story, sir was basically our nurse so we should report to him whatever incident happened in the ward. Our "original" senior nurse always checked on us and we reported to her the "significant" events in the ward. It was 12:50pm when one of our patient slipped and hit her right elbow on the tiled bench at the pantry. Our original nurse was in the ward that time so we told her about the accident and instructed us on what to do. We referred the patient to the physician on duty through phone and he instructed us to make an accident report and bring the patient's chart to him and to just observe the patient. We accomplished the report and was on our way to sir when one of our attendants called our attention and told us to hand her the chart immediately because the van she called was already there. We gave her the chart and she went to the physician. We were hesitant if we should inform sir because we didn't have the report and the chart but in the end we did because he's still our senior nurse. We went to his ward and told him about the accident. He was a bit shocked that everything was almost done - the report, referral, doctor's order. Fast forward. The attendant came back with the chart and doctor's order in it. I carried out the order while my partner decked the order. Sir read the report and told me to add this and that (accident report accomplished. proper authorities notified). I was hesitant because in our training, the assistant chief nurse told us that those are not needed because that paper is already the accident report and that it is understood that the report would be sent to proper authorities since it has the patient's informant's address on it. I wanted to told him that but I know it's just my pride that I didn't want to look wrong. I added what he said but I was really $^%$%# (couldn't think of a word). My pride was hurt; I looked like an incompetent fool and I knew that I was right. I really didn't like the feeling and I was in rage deep down. I didn't hate sir but I didn't like him at all. He gave me cold shoulders (and I don't know why! poor eye contact noted!) and I felt like he displaced to me whatever issue he has. There was so much anger and pride in my heart. I said things about him which were disrespectful and inappropriate. I was mad, really mad because my right was violated or so I thought.

Fast forward.

I was having my quiet time with God and I was still bothered and couldn't let go of what happened. Then God convicted me and revealed that there's so much pride in my heart. I think too much of myself, think too highly of myself that I felt violated.
God reminded me that it's Jesus who lives in me and it's not me anymore so I should stop focusing on myself. It was hard to accept. Me? a proud person? ang bait ko kaya sabi ng madami. Tsaka tama naman ako e.. But God told me, "O anu yan? Hindi ba pagiging proud yan?"  It was a blow in the face. I profess that I am a follower of Christ but I don't live His life.
I asked God to strip me off my pride and to help me unload my anger, to help me forgive sir and myself and to let it go, to surrender this to Him.
Right now I don't know if I arrived to that place where I totally let go of this incident's baggage on the Cross but I really want to. I think I can only know that when I see him tomorrow.

I am amazed at how God loves. He sees my heart, every nook and cranny of my being. I am in awe at how Jesus can live in me with all these junks. But then as I am writing this, God reminded me that He redeemed me through Jesus' blood and that Jesus' righteousness is what He sees in me. Yes He knows every detail of me, every part of me, but he loves me.

In response to His love, I want to live for God, really live for God. It won't be easy; it is impossible. I've accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior since I was young and my journey's not all smooth. There were bumps, uphills, and downhills but as I looked back I saw how God was with me through all those. I am still standing today because of His grace and goodness. He is with me. Jesus is in me.

Psalm 8:3-4

When I consider your heavens,
    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place, 

what is mankind that you are mindful of them,

    human beings that you care for them?

Kite

Where are thee oh butterflies?

I miss the butterflies in the stomach. Do they die due to gastric acid? Do they burn their wings and cease to flutter?

My lovely friends have crushes. They smile whenever they see their crush and they smile even more when their crush smiled back at them. I envy them, really. I miss the feeling of being infatuated, waiting for someone to pass in front of you, the thrill you get when trying to capture his attention, the awkward moment when you look pretty stupid in front of him. Just being crazy and young :)

crossing to love

We graduated from In-service training yesterday. By 6pm we were packing our certificates and bags and leaving the hall. Half of our group decided to go to mall to unwind and relax. Our "least-liked" (sorry for the term) groupmate went with us to the mall. At first almost all of us wanted him to leave because we wanted a girl bonding but we couldn't drive him away. He went all the way to the mall with us and besides, he's our groupmate though almost everyone in our group doesn't want to bond with him. One of my friend/groupmate stood up for love's sake. She persuaded us to let him join since he was already there and to give him a chance to bond with us. We were hesitant at first but we couldn't just leave him..alone; he had so much of that already. So we dropped off the idea of leaving him and just try to enjoy the day. Yesterday was really ok. No harm or violation was done and it was fun. He didn't spoil the day. I realized that you really can't go wrong with love. When you do things with love, you won't have regrets no matter how things turned out.

Jesus did everything with love when He was here on Earth and He didn't regret what He did. He became man and died on the cross because He loves us.

 

John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."

Jesus' life shouts a life of love. The world is in need of love and it's a sin not to love 'cause Jesus commands it - to love. 

Loving the lovable is not hard but loving the unlovable seems impossible! They get on your nerves and ruin your day but we have to love them anyway. Who deserves love? No one. Love is not something one gains out of the good things he's done. Love is given not to the beautiful, nice, and talented. Love is freely given. Love is unconditional.

I was really convicted yesterday. How I acted yesterday didn't glorify God. I was a hypocrite telling people to love but not acting upon it.

We owe the world love. It's not enough that we know theology, we must act on what we believe. We need God's grace to love.

Scars

Boxing, headbands, and tank tops

I went to boxing gym earlier with my boxing partner. We wore our usual outfit, comfy pants (leggings for her and jogging pants for me) and t-shirt, and our new addition to the look, our headbands. I arrived at around 5:40pm and she was there 5:30pm. We started warming up after I placed my things in the shelf, took my handwraps and gloves. Our trainer instructed us to start warming up then the jump ropes while he still had clients to attend to, 2 pretty ladies with physically fit bodies, I should say. The 2 ladies were on their cool down part when we started our warm up. We got tired doing jump ropes and we decided to check the time. It was already 6:30pm and we're still "warming up". We decided to call it a day and headed to the cashier to get our vouchers back. We didn't want to continue our boxing session today because it was getting late. The session was supposed to be just for an hour or it can extend but we've had enough of jump ropes! Jump ropes for almost an hour! We packed our things, got our vouchers, told our trainer we'd cancel today, and left the gym.

Pretty girls. What made us left was not the fact that it was getting late but because we've had enough of warm ups! We felt like we're taken for granted (haha) just because we look like kids playing inside the boxing gym. I wore loose t-shirt and not-fitting-pants and rubber shoes. We didn't have make up on our face or have nice bodies; we're not even tall. We look like kids, lost. Then I realized that the world is really unfair. Looks matter for people. If you've got pretty face, you're in! I dwell on that thought for so long, I've dwelt in it for almost my whole life. Thoughts like that would drag your self-worth down and soon you'll find yourself on the corner of a room, pitying yourself for being "not good enough" to people.

What makes a person beautiful? I believe it's more than a pretty face, nice body, and shiny hair. Physical appearance can sure attract people but it won't make people stay. I'm not against pretty girls but I'm just saying that beauty is not measured by how people see you outwardly but how you see yourself. One has to believe she's wonderfully created by God. God says you're beautiful and you have to believe that and live in that truth unless you say He's a liar.

Your eyes are carefully designed by God, so is your nose, ears, mouth, arms, even your belly! God is into details and He made you unique, uniquely beautiful. When you start living in that truth, you'll feel more confident about yourself and you'll glow even more.

People who love God and believes that God loves them have this unexplainable "glow" in them. I often hear people say to me "you're blooming" when my relationship with God is good. But I see myself looking stressed out when I am far from Him, when I choose to believe I'm ugly because someone is "better looking" than me according to the world's standard. When our inside is ugly so it reflects on the outside. When our heart is full of envy, anger, self-pity, or anything negative, our outside appearance reflects that; we're grumpy and always trying to "look pretty". But when our heart is full of love and gratitude to God, when our focus is on Jesus not on ourselves and other people, we radiate and shine like Him :)

So chin up, girl! You're beautiful! Let yourself bloom in the Light. Keep looking to Jesus :)You are beautiful. Weighing scales, pimples, frizzy hair, mirrors, and people don't define you :)

1 Samuel 16:7 "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (NIV)

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

  

friends, shoes and a little konnyaku gel

"Friends are the family that you choose for yourself."

How do we choose a friend? Is it like shopping for a pair of stilettos that match your evening ball gown? Or a pair of sneakers for everyday errands?

When I was younger, smaller, and rounder, my parents would take me to malls to find that perfect pricey shoes that would match my chiffon dress. Of course the perfect shoes has to be a pair of high-heeled shiny, metallic, beaded shoes. It would take us hours to find that only to wear it for a night and spend the rest of its prime years inside the shoe cabinet, gathering cobwebs and dust. I'm not a fan of stilettos and my feet hurt when I wear them for more than an hour. I can't run with those nor can I jump. I can't take long walks or trudge rocky roads. But who could deny it's alluring beauty? My mom says women look sexy wearing high-heeled shoes. Sometimes I even find myself looking and drooling over a pair of sparky shoes in the window display of a store but I know deep down that I don't need it. Why? Because it is uncomfortable; my feet sore and callouses form. But why do we women invest on those? Well yes for most because it's part of their everyday look but as for me? It matches the shoe cabinet more than it matches my everyday outfit.

As I grew older, taller, and a bit slimmer, events such as graduations, dinner parties, and debuts become less and less and so is the need for flowing dresses hence the shoes that go with them.
My parents seldom buy me shoes because I'm now earning a little since I received my last diploma. I choose carefully the things that I would have them buy for me. And the things I ask for are mostly shoes. Why? Because shoes are more expensive than clothes. (Grab the benefit of a little earner while it lasts haha). I asked my dad for a pair of running shoes and sandals and my mom for a pair of sneakers. I picked shoe design that would match almost everything in my closet to save money. I only have a pair of sneakers, a pair of sandals and a pair of running shoes that my parents bought. Just a pair of each. I wear my sneakers almost anywhere - in grocery stores, malls, friend's house, church, etc. My rubber shoes are my companion in boxing and running. My sandals are for errands or just-around-the-corner walks.

So why did I compare shoes with friends? Because shoes take us to places we've never been or we've always been. It's hard walking barefoot outside your home. Shoes protect our feet from stones, mud, and poops. Our capacity to walk from one place to another mainly depends on how comfortable our shoes fit us. I went to Rockwell with my friends after our testimonial dinner and I stopped every 5 minutes or so to rest my aching feet for I was wearing stilettos because a pair complemented my dress. Friends, like shoes, are with us as we journey. We invest on shoes like we invest on friends. As Marilyn Monroe put it,

“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.”

Give a man the right friends, and he will conquer the world. David has Jonathan, Frodo has Sam, Harry has Ron and Hermione, Fred has George,

"Frodo wouldn't have gotten far without Sam"

You might say, "Well I don't have Sam or Ron in my life; I have Malfoy and Golum instead". I know it's hard to find that perfect crazy fit. And there are times when we can't find comfort in our friends and even family, when we feel alone and dejected. Rest assured my friend that the longings of our hearts to be loved immeasurably and unconditionally cannot be satisfied by mere mortals. Friends, like family, are gifts and fill a part of us but not completely. Their love is limited and so is ours. If the gift cannot satisfy, the Giver can.The Giver of the gifts is the one who can fill our hearts; His love goes to corners we don't want people to penetrate or people don't want to go; like water, God fills every empty space inside us with His love until it overflows and manifests in the way we live. John 15:13 tells us about this love,

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

 Jesus did that because of His love that shouts His glory. Jesus loves you :)

I'm thankful and blessed to have friends that stick more than a konnyaku gel. Friends make God's love tangible. :)

savior complex befriends guilt

Today a close friend of mine messaged me asking if we could meet tonight at 9pm; I read it 8:30pm. I want to but the problem is I have duty at 11pm and my parents wouldn't allow me. I don't know why but my instinct told me she's not ok because she's so eager to meet up with me. I sent her couple of sms but I got no reply from her.

I'm having this desire to go right to her 'cause I think she's not ok and I have to be there for her; that's savior complex raging inside me. Another is guilt. I should have read her message earlier. These two battle inside me. It's an icky feeling inside knowing that both are no good and relied on self.



And so I load my number and called her. She has something to share but she sounded..happy hahaha

The 6th Weasley and his Olympic torch

Red-haired Ron Weasley aka Rupert Grint made his name not only in Hogwarts but also in 2012 Olympics as he carried the Olympic Torch at Middlesex University London last Wednesday. 

Another point for Gryffindor!

I've always liked Ronald Weasley since the first movie and even when I read the first book. I watched the film first before reading the book. And the first scene where he appeared in, I knew then and there that he would be my most liked character in Harry Potter.
The book gave a more in-depth description of Ron. He's a Weasley, an old wizarding family with 8 red-haired members, trying to make both ends meet. Ron is the youngest among his top-rated brothers; the 6th child in the family.Everyone expects him to do well as his brothers and anything he'll achieve is no big deal because his brothers did it first or even better. I can sense that he feels second best the way he narrated his life to Harry on the train. Ron got the old and used things of his brothers - Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand, Percy's old rat - even his grandpa's chess set.

Ron's set was very old and battered. Like everything else he owned, it had once belonged to someone else in the family - in this case, his grandfather  - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Chapter 12

He's not also the popular type like his twin brothers Fred and George. On the train to Hogwarts, he didn't have anyone to sit with except Harry who was expected to be alone since Hogwarts and magic were all new to him. Even in the story, he played the supporting role but like other bestfriend-of-the-hero, he played a big part. Harry wouldn't be harry without Ron (and Hermione).

 

Why Ron became my most liked HP character? Prolly because I can relate to him and his issues haha. He's more of a supporter and he has a knack for adventure! And he can be very dense (so me hahaha).  I'm excited to know how he'll deal with his issues.

As for me, God's dealing with it. God constantly reminds me everyday that I am not what people make me feel I am; the truth is, I am His beloved and I am His :)


Enough said for now..I've only read the 1st book :)

the muse...

 I'm Wendy and I wear eye glasses. I like long walks with ear phones plugged in. I like yellow but barely have yellow things in my possession. I am currently a novice nurse in a psychiatric institution. I am basically me, fearfully and wonderfully made by God, handcrafted by Him.
I love.

This would probably be my nth blog (though I go anonymous in most of my blogs).