I am mean.
I laughed with them. I laughed at someone today.
I felt guilt and shame. I shouldn't have laughed. He must be going on some battles that neither of us are aware.
Heart check:
I hate myself for adding damage to the person but more than that, I can't believe I'm such a mean person.
Pride enters.
How can I be mean when I think I'm not? I'm not mean, am I?
I desperately need the grace of God. I'm such a sinner and nothing near to being good.
I'm humbled.
Sorry.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Confessions.
I have confessions to make.
After a talk with my discipler today, I stayed in the mall to ponder on things.
I always tell everyone I know that I suck at work. I fail and am a miserable nurse. I lack proper judgement and become easily frantic. So I fear failure. Work becomes my life because that's what I know, what I think I am.
As you can see, what I've said in the previous paragraph is a contradiction. I masked myself with false humility.
Here's the truth.
My confession #1
I excel at work.
Yes, I do. The patients like me, most trust me. The people I work with like how I do my job. You see, I do my job well. I may sound proud but that's just being honest.My seniors praise me; they even requested for me. I believe I am pretty good. But I never fail to say the opposite.
I hate failing because I think I am good. Work is a place I feel secured and wanted. It is not the mistakes that I will make or failing that I fear but rather losing the security I now have. I dread the day that the people who now like me will despise me because of a single mistake.
The mistake I made: I place my security on the wrong things.
Confession #2
I am a proud person masked in the facade of a meek person. I feel superior over people who do lousy work. I judge people on their mistakes and believe that people are ungracious because they judge others based on their mistakes.
The mistake I made: I use the wrong measure on people.
My resolutions:
Accept God's love and live it out.
Remind myself daily of the Cross.
Rise above the occasion.
Remove the lies in my head. Acknowledging them will never be enough. I have to terminate them and replace them with truths.
Love people.
After a talk with my discipler today, I stayed in the mall to ponder on things.
I always tell everyone I know that I suck at work. I fail and am a miserable nurse. I lack proper judgement and become easily frantic. So I fear failure. Work becomes my life because that's what I know, what I think I am.
As you can see, what I've said in the previous paragraph is a contradiction. I masked myself with false humility.
Here's the truth.
My confession #1
I excel at work.
Yes, I do. The patients like me, most trust me. The people I work with like how I do my job. You see, I do my job well. I may sound proud but that's just being honest.My seniors praise me; they even requested for me. I believe I am pretty good. But I never fail to say the opposite.
I hate failing because I think I am good. Work is a place I feel secured and wanted. It is not the mistakes that I will make or failing that I fear but rather losing the security I now have. I dread the day that the people who now like me will despise me because of a single mistake.
The mistake I made: I place my security on the wrong things.
Confession #2
I am a proud person masked in the facade of a meek person. I feel superior over people who do lousy work. I judge people on their mistakes and believe that people are ungracious because they judge others based on their mistakes.
The mistake I made: I use the wrong measure on people.
My resolutions:
Accept God's love and live it out.
Remind myself daily of the Cross.
Rise above the occasion.
Remove the lies in my head. Acknowledging them will never be enough. I have to terminate them and replace them with truths.
Love people.
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