a terrible mistake handler

I am terrible in handling mistakes.

I was in 2^nd year of high school. I was one of the three whose project was chosen to enter the interschool competition and by God’s grace won 2^nd place. After the competition, the three of us were invited as guests on a radio program where we’d talk about our project. I always thought it would make my parents proud of me. We went to the radio program together with our teachers. We were introduced by the commentator or whatever you call it. My surname was not read properly replacing a few letters in it making it not my surname. I was too shy to butt in and correct his mistake so I kept quiet about it. We were asked a few questions and it went ok. The sun had already set; it was already dark when we got back to our school. My dad was waiting for me, not with a ready hug but with sermon. He was mad at me for 1.) not correcting my surname 2.) not texting him where I was, instead I was just texting my mom. He asked me, “Do I not matter in this family? Maybe you just want me dead. (I wasn’t texting him because my mom was the first to text me. My dad didn’t send me a single message and I was just replying to my mother’s messages so I kept her updated thinking they were together. Yes they were together in the house.  

So yes instead of “I’m proud of you”, I got a bucket of cold talk on the way home. I cried that night.

I think that’s what shaped me. That I can’t be good enough because my mistakes will always be bigger than my accomplishments, bigger than who I really am. That maybe I am mistake.

I carried that baggage for years. I would put it down for a while but would pick it up again, every step becomes more difficult as the baggage becomes heavier.

Yesterday I made yet another mistake that kept me awake past midnight.

I work as a nurse. I endorsed a patient with fever. I monitored the patient’s temperature but when the fever subsided, I stopped monitoring since the patient was already sleeping comfortably (that’s what I thought). But then the temperature rose and I didn’t know because I thought she’s already ok.  It’s my negligence. I failed again. Big time.

I was lost and my mistakes were eating me. I went home quiet. My mom noticed but I just made an excuse that my throat hurt. I tossed and turned on bed but sleep was elusive. I prayed to God, asked for forgiveness, and then I dozed off. Morning came. My mistake flooded my mind again. It was consuming me. I ate breakfast then went to my room and cried to God. I was so ashamed of myself to ever face God but there’s no other way and I desperately need and miss him. It was drifting away, floating in the vast endlessness.

I had my quiet time.

Luke 24

Looking for the Living One in a cemetery. Jesus didn’t remain dead. He saved me from all my sins by dying on the cross and he rose again. He is not defeated and I shouldn’t be. Jesus overcame death and he lives so I can live. It’s one thing that your savior died for you and another thing that your savior died for you and rose again after three days. It gives me peace knowing that my Savior is with me all the time.

this Psalm really comforts me. God’s love is just too much and it’s exhibited in Jesus. God’s love is just breathtaking. It’s real and constant, unchanged. I can't express it more beautifully than this psalm

^1-2 O my soul, bless God.
    From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
    don’t forget a single blessing!

^3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
    He heals your diseases—every one.
    He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
    He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
    He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
    He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

^6-18 God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
    God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
    keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.
Men and women don’t live very long;
    like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
    leaving nothing to show they were here.
God’s love, though, is ever and always,
    eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
    as they follow his Covenant ways
    and remember to do whatever he said.

^19-22 God has set his throne in heaven;
    he rules over us all. He’s the King!
So bless God, you angels,
    ready and able to fly at his bidding,
    quick to hear and do what he says.
Bless God, all you armies of angels,
    alert to respond to whatever he wills.
Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are—
    everything and everyone made by God.

And you, O my soul, bless God!