a day, a lesson, His love

Very often do I question if I am meant to be a nurse. The question rises more on occasions that I "fail" which, mind you, is getting more frequent these days and more evident. When I say fail, it means mistakes I do consciously or unconsciously, my negligence and malpractice resulting from lack of or unwillingness to review.

I'm becoming more stressed these days. Overworked, disorganized working environment, lack of resources, all of these resulting to burnout.

Today I made a stupid mistake. I was so sure of what I was doing until my senior caught my attention and told me, 'where did you get that idea? That's not how it should be with this case'. Everyone with me knew the right thing to do and I was the only one wrong, even the juniors knew better. I was flushed with shame. I might have put my client in a distressful situation. Given all these, I want to justify my desire to quit.

Rise to the occasion, do what the trial demands of you...as long as it give God glory.

I am left again with questions like, 'are the mistakes I made myself considered trials?' 'How can I give God glory when all I do is fail?'

My heart is full of pride. I always say to people, 'your mistakes don't define you. God loves you the same.' But when the same happens to me, hearing and digesting it is not as easy as saying it. It is just hard.

I tried (tried because lately my quiet time is not quality time anymore) reading a passage from the bible, random passage. God brought me to Psalm 103. It didn't give me a self-boost but an assurance. It is more like a promise that life is beautiful because of God, that everything the world condemns me with, no matter how they see me, is not of importance because God looks at me with love and compassion, His grace abounds. That mistakes don't matter to God as they are to people, that God doesn't always accuse but pardons instead. That he knows how we are formed, that we are dust and he's not surprised by our lackness but loves us immeasurably. That though we are fleeting, his love for those who fear him is from everlasting to everlasting.