I'm drunk. Blame it on the white mocha frappe

Disclaimer: This entry is the product of my disorganized train of thoughts

I met up with my friend in a coffee shop near our place (Yes, we’re now officially neighbors! Yay). We had frappe, mine’s a white mocha and hers a caramel. She wanted white mocha frappe but due to my violent reaction upon hearing her order, she opted to change hers. It turned out she liked mine but it’s too sweet which is weird or she’s just bitter haha (See, I live up to my disclaimer. Bear with me)

We talked about random updates and this topic which led me to writing my thoughts.

My friend told me that she still thinks that he-who-i-must-not-name is my GB.

I wanted to banish the thought myself but it still lingers even after a year or so has passed.

My entry starts here.

I first met the boy years before. He’s a friend of a friend. He seemed like a bibo kid back then, jumpy and a friend of everyone.

I noticed him only this 2011 during our review at the retreat house. He was a lost boy, standing outside, holding a cigarette, puffing smoke like some badass-i-don’t-give-a-damn. He was the opposite of the boy I met years before.

A couple of events led to the lobby of our dorm house, under the light of a chandelier. He opened up his life to me and he cried. It was a cry of a rain-drenched boy wanting to feel the warmth of life, to get back to God. I prayed with him and lent him the book, Travelling Light. He went back to his dorm and started again. He started attending bible studies, reading the bible, praying, and encouraging people. I could sense the warmth radiating from him, the warmth that was once lost. The hand that held cigarette was now holding a bible. His bible was attached to him like a body part. He changed.

I developed friendships with people during the review.

After a month of intensive review at the retreat house, we still had a month to review on our own for the licensure exam. We spent our month reviewing in coffee shops, diner, or wherever was convenient for most of us. If the place was far from where I reside, he would fetch me at the train station. He surprised me with a black sesame green tea frappe. He comforted me when my anxiety for the upcoming licensure was at its peak. He was there.

We spent hours texting or talking over the mobile phone or telephone. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about, or rather, he kept the conversation going. He was interested.

The 2 days of our licensure exam, he would call me every after test, during breaks, and after all the tests for the day was done. On the last day, we met and went to sunday service together where we met our other friends. He, to me, was someone I dread to be friends with. How it started was too fast to last, he's too close to stay. 

Unconsciously, I started having this thought that he’s one of those that are meant to stay in my life.

But then, just like when we first met, he went back to being a lost boy. In an instant, just like how everything started.

What scares me the most when the thought of him being my GB surfaces is that I am never sure with him. I really can't put a name to the uncertainty, but there is. He’s a drama I cannot handle, something I want to watch but doesn’t want to know the ending.

Honestly, I am ambivalent towards him. He entered my life, became one of the characters with a name and left with just scribbles all over the pages. He left me with questions I never intend to ask.

  

It is not my intention to put the blame on you or be an unwelcome burden to anyone. That part of my mind is just a little fuddled. I am just blabbing like a drunken pelican. 


I guess I still need to sort things out with you. Yes, I may need that for whoever's sake.