NBSB

That certain day when people started asking you why you still don't have a boyfriend.

Last night, I was asked by people, several people, why I still don't have a boyfriend.
Simple answer: I'm in no rush. I enjoy where I am right now.

They couldn't believe that I have lived my 22 years without a boy. Well, sorry to disappoint you but that is possible.

It's not that I am a picky person that I have preferred looks and bank accounts. I am just not in a rush. I don't want to make impulsive decisions that I might regret and bring me unnecessary heartaches.
I am contented with the relationships I have with God, my family, and my friends.
Yes, there's a void in everyone's heart that no one can fill except God.

I am still a romantic lass. I am hopeful that someday in God's perfect time I will meet my other half, my God's best. And until that day, I want to remain pure physically and emotionally.
Yes I am not a risk taker especially if hearts are involved. It's not just me who will be affected by my hasty decisions but the other person as well. I am also perfectly aware that no heart remains scratch-free. Mine have been scratched, rolled over, trampled, and sometimes cut through. But that is the beauty of the heart, no matter how much it has been broken, it is still reparable and redeemable; it is still beautiful. It can still love despite the pounding and slashing.

So why do I still choose to remain single? Because I take care of my heart. I take care of what God has given me because God loves me and I love Him. The heart is in no security of never getting hurt unless you choose to lock it in a casket and be irredeemable. I just choose not to give pearls to pigs. If a day will come when I will say my "yes" and if it happens that my heart is broken, I would still want to rejoice in the fact that I have loved. Until that day, I choose to guard my heart but still be vulnerable, to love despite of.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

We love because He first loved us. 
1 John 4:19

 

The Last Piece of Timtam

Last Saturday, I cried. I cried after months of tearless cheeks. I realized that the reason why I was too lazy to do my quiet time with God, why I stopped really praying and believing in the goodness of the Lord, why I felt tired and disconnected, is because I was bitter at God. I was bitter at Him for putting me in situations or places where I do not like. I thought, "Ok God..I can understand that You don't place me where I want, but to put me where I don't want? That's not fair". I didn't realize the bitterness grew and blocked my view of God and distorted my perspective of Him. The God that became in my head was far from the real God I knew when I was a child, far from the God in the Bible

Last Saturday, realizing that I became bitter somehow freed me. I became honest to God of how I have been feeling, knowing He understood and will always understand. Besides, He knows my heart. He knows me more than I know myself. He sees every corner of my heart but His love remains unchanged. I was scared to be honest with God thinking He'll love me less or leave me alone but that's not God, that's not His character.

And so, God used my discipler to encourage me. God is creative, He used the last piece of TimTam

The last piece of TimTam was at the other end. Being Filipinos, we like to leave the last piece. We don't usually eat the last piece unless prodded. But what's the difference of the last piece of TimtTm with the rest? Nothing. It tastes the same, looks the same, weighs the same. It is the same with the rest of the deliciously sweet Double coat TimTams. The thing is, the pack of TimTam was opened at the other end. The last piece of TimTam wouldn't be the last piece if the pack was opened at the last piece end. No TimTam is lesser than the other. They are equal and they are all sweet TimTams.

We are equal in God's eyes, equally the apple of His eye.
Don't ever think you're the lesser last piece. You may be the last piece but you're not anything less.

God is sweeter than millions of TimTams combined!
Thank You, Jesus :)

This.

 

Yes, I think alone times are necessary. It lets you see yourself more. And I believe alone times are best to be spent with God. 

Being jobless has its advantage also :)

Thank God for taking your job away along with its busy schedules so you could spend more time alone with God, just basking in His presence. 

The Loss I Thought I Will Never Mourn

Every morning after I pass my pee, I would go to specific corner in my house to greet a silent but day-changing dweller, the weighing scale. I tap one of the round metals on either four corners and wait for the "0.0" to appear on the small horizontal screen and the moment I step on the glass board is the moment my diaphragm stops moving. I hold my breath thinking inhaling air would increase the number on the horizontal screen which I dreaded. That's how I feel every morning. I face the weighing scale's derision at the start of my day. If my weight increases from yesterday's, I would not eat a hefty breakfast and would "punish" myself for overeating yesternight. I would be a pauper during breakfast but then I would starve at the middle of the day so I would eat like a prince at lunch and a king with a big appetite at night because I feel "deprived". So the cycle goes on, an unhealthy, misguided cycle. 

Why do I let the weighing scale dictate my day? Why do we want to be thin...thinner?
Society, the media, the world, made us believe that if only we can have a Coca-cola body then we're beautiful. Any dress would look good on, any angle on the picture would be perfect, the skinny jeans would fit, oxford shoes would match, swimsuit would be "legal" to wear, heads would turn, and the lies go on. Why do we buy those lies? Why do we let the standard of the world shape us? Why do we fear the scale and turn away disgusted at ourselves when the weighing scale shouts "FAT" with the numbers it shows? I like this picture.. Why do numbers make us cry? Why do they define us?

The villain..

I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to weigh 115pounds and then I would be contented and would feel good about myself. But I doubt that. There's always just a little more. Just a little more weight loss and I would be ok, just a little more tan, just a little straighter, just a little whiter, just a little taller, just a little fairer. Just a little more is not just a little. It's a lot and it goes deep into your system and develops ungrateful, discontented, greedy, insecure heart.

We always compare ourselves with people who have a little more. They are thinner, fairer, richer, etc. We see ourselves as someone inferior. We doubt ourselves and throw away our value to the dogs for them to feast on. Media has warped our view on ourselves. It poisoned the little girls' dreams and turned them into nightmares of self-obsession, insecurity, envy, discontentment, low self-esteem.

I still struggle with wanting to be more acceptable to the "society". But I want to stop trying to fit in a box I am not meant to live.

I want to encourage myself and you to stop seeing ourselves so small and not good enough. We have to stop wearing the skimpy clothes where we could hardly breathe and move, to throw the skinny jeans and stilettos that's holding us from  doing pirouette. Stop depriving yourself, stop unhealthy diet that's sipping your energy for fun. Beauty is not on the outside. I still believe and would always want to believe that beauty is on the inside; it starts on the inside and reflects on the outside.

This should be on every weighing scale, don't you agree?

Don't let the weighing scale weigh you down! Don't allow the tape measure to make a corpse out of you. Don't let the society define your worth.

Find your worth in Jesus. He died for you. He saved you. He didn't die on the cross so you could paddle in the puddle with pigs. Jesus has come that we may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10). See yourself in God's perspective. You are the apple of God's eye! (Zechariah 2:8, Psalm 17:8)

Instead of exhausting yourself on being like the Victoria Secret's angels, be a Proverbs 31 woman! I am sure that when your Coca-cola body inflates, your wrinkles show, and your arthritis attacks, your character remains. And I am certain that every man wants a wife worth keeping for a lifetime, not a barbie doll stuck in a cabinet for display and then thrown in the trash when stained.

Bodies will decay but not character and the relationships nurtured.

Be beYOUtiful. Lose weight because you want to be healthy for yourself and God. You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14). To say that you're ugly and a reject is same as calling God a fake artist and a liar. Believe God when He says your beautiful.

My prayer for you is that you will see how much God loves you through His Son Jesus.
His love defines you.

They don't speak French, do they?

I once admired a young lad my age. He was quite tall for our age, quite handsome and quite dark. His smile was sparkling and his eyes had so much life. He was quiet around girls but boisterous among boys, a typical man-wannabe. He didn’t mingle much with girls and his company was boys, always, until I came (ehem!). He was a mystery to me at first that’s why I asked God that we become close. We became seatmates and found a lot of similarities with each other. He was nice and cool. He liked to tease me and we always talked. He would compete with me academically. He even offered me lollipops which I declined because everybody’s looking. He searched for me with a few classmates and teachers when I was left during our field trip because another classmate of ours asked me to accompany her to buy some souvenirs. We became an item at school; even the canteen staffs were teasing us, though nothing really developed because he liked his best friend’s crush. Our friendship lasted for a year.

Then highschool came; everything in my primary years was left behind. There’s this boy who mistook me for a boy. We talked about games and animes and even dissected a frog together where I acted the masculine role. He even went to our house to play video games with my brother. We were also almost an item at our class. Even our teachers teased us. It was nothing for us and our closeness only lasted for a year.

College came. I joined youth gatherings in our church. I met this guy who’s 2 years older than me. He was for me, my knight in shining braces. He always said the right words in a non-romantic way, of course. He’s beyond friendly (well, for me) and would initiate conversation. It felt light whenever I was talking to this guy though butterflies were residing and fluttering their wings in my stomach. I would stutter and flush and smile unconsciously. He’s such a gentleman. Yes, I liked this man and even shed tears for reason I’m too lazy to elaborate here. I liked him to the point of avoiding him. I was scared of being rejected. And so, this didn’t last also. We didn’t become close. Duties, homeworks, and exams made me too busy to attend the youth gatherings. Now, I haven’t seen him for months.  

Board exam was nearing and I met this young man during the review. He was super friendly and also wore braces but he’s not a knight. He’s a year younger than me. I saw him transform from a rain-drenched boy to a warm man. He was nice but something didn’t fit. He’s like a fuzzy elephant. I considered him as friend and was never aware or denied the fact that he liked me more than that. He liked me but I never knew about it until he left. Yes, he left and I lost a friend. He was the melodramatic but jumpy type of guy. He’s also one heck of a gentleman.

Among these gents in my life, there’s this one that I met when I was around 7 years old. He, to me that age, was my superhero whom I can always go to and tell him about the villains at school and I am certain that he will come to my rescue and kick the bad guys’ butts! Then he became my friend, a very close friend. I would cry to him, laugh with him, be a crazy child with him. There are days when I would feel he left me for someone who needed him more or someone who’s nicer than I am; there are days when I would get tampo with him; and some days when I am just too lazy to have a cup of tea with him. When I first cried because of heartbreak, he was there and offered a shoulder. When I didn’t pass the admission exam for a certain university, he was there telling me there’s something better ahead. When my professors scolded me and slapped the word “idiot” on my face, he was there, holding me in his arms. He's always there. He didn't leave me nor turn his back on me when the whole world did. He stayed and stays. He's my superhero, my bestfriend, my lover, my comforter, my counselor, my provider, my shepherd, my Savior, my Lord and my God, Jesus; He's everything.

Jesus is closer to you than you think. He's not a distant or seasonal God. He's with you and in you.

Friends, don't search for security and love in the wrong places. Look at Jesus and let yourself rest in His love. Jesus is not hard to reach. He loves having conversations with us. Have inside jokes with Him, cry to Him, Jesus can take them all :)

 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15

the cliche in love: i love you with your flaws

It's so easy to say we love people with their flaws if their flaws don't hurt us.
We're so quick to say, 'it's OK if you're neither pretty nor healthy, it's OK if you're always late or you cook bland foods, it's OK if you move slow..I'm OK with your flaws'. But what if the person's flaws are something that hurts you? What if she does something unconsciously that hurt you? Can you forgive and love still? Or give up and say 'it's too tiring to love this person because I'm hurt'.

Let's admit it : we're selfish. When something is inconvenient for us, when we're hurt, we stop and drop everything and let the relationship we said we 'love' and 'treasure' shatter to the ground. We always see ourselves as the victim, we say 'I've loved too much, I've given too much'

Why is it like that? Where's the love in 1Corinthians 13?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

(here's another version of the verse from English standard version)

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things.

⁸ Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

Love is enduring the pain it comes with. Nobody said love is pain-free. We decorated love so much that when we see the ugly, tattered side of the person we claimed to love, we step back and run away in disgust. Everyone is flawed and that is the loud booming truth.

“I don’t know a perfect person.

 I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.”

 John Green

Isn't love embracing the good with the bad? Didn't Jesus embrace us when we're stinking in sin?

If Jesus, the Son of God, gave everything even his life to save you, nothing we give is too much, even love.

The issue within the issue of second best

The issue within the issue of second best.

Have you ever felt second best? I do and it sticks to me like a leech sucking my joy away. I've always thought I couldn't separate from that leech because 'it's the people around me who makes me second best'.

Yes, people may have intentionally or unintentionally made us feel second best, that we don't amount to anything hence we don't deserve the best (even the good  sometimes), but the real issue, the real deal is really (I'm using so much 'real' here haha) within ourselves. Because we let people define our worth? Partly yes. But maybe the real reason, the root of our insecurities and second best issue is the way we look at ourselves. We see ourselves, unconsciously or consciously, as someone deserving the best - the best treatment, the best anything - and when we don't get that, we get frustrated, feel mistreated, unloved, we begin to see ourselves as the victim.

How we measure ourselves affect how we perceive one's action towards us. The problem in the issue of second best is that we focus too much on ourselves; beneath that victim facade lies a villain that we created in and for ourselves. We're selfish, self-centered people, by nature, hiding in the pitiful mask of i-am-treated-second-best.

The remedy is to take the focus off ourselves, besides we're not the center of the universe.
Focus on the center of everything, the Creator of the universe and everything that existed, exists, will exist, and nonexistent, focus on Jesus.

pimples and more...pimples

Lately my pimples are popping every day! I tried applying almost everything in the cosmetic shops and beauty stores but nothing seems to work. I was getting really frustrated that I wanted to spend all my allowance for my face's sake! Even the patients were telling me that I have zits! (The zits are ripe for harvest!) My coworker was telling me the same and I was losing my confidence.

Image from ayearwithoutmirrors.com

My friends who know my life story were telling me that stress is the culprit! I couldn't agree more!

But as I am writing this, I know I couldn't blame everything on my stressor. I believe everything has its purpose. Yes, even zits.

A few months ago I wrote that beauty inside eventually will reflect outside. Those pimples, frizzy hair, or extra pounds don't define a person. Now, I have to remind myself of that! haha

I know that God wouldn't allow my pimples to flourish on my face without his knowing and permission. He knows every zit and blackhead on my face and he intricately placed them there for a purpose grander than I could think and that is for his glory. Right now, I have to put my security on God that no matter what people say about me is not as important as what God says about me. I want to stop focusing on myself and start looking on God. I want to saturate my mind with what God has to say through His Word rather than what people say about how I don't 'pass' as pretty to them. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and start following Jesus :-) I will embrace myself and everything in it. Jesus embraced me first with everything in me :-)

 ''Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.''. - Thessalonians 5:16-18

I may not have flawless skin, zit-free face' or coca-cola body but I am beautiful. K?
My Dad says it first :-)

And you are beautiful :-)

crossing to love

We graduated from In-service training yesterday. By 6pm we were packing our certificates and bags and leaving the hall. Half of our group decided to go to mall to unwind and relax. Our "least-liked" (sorry for the term) groupmate went with us to the mall. At first almost all of us wanted him to leave because we wanted a girl bonding but we couldn't drive him away. He went all the way to the mall with us and besides, he's our groupmate though almost everyone in our group doesn't want to bond with him. One of my friend/groupmate stood up for love's sake. She persuaded us to let him join since he was already there and to give him a chance to bond with us. We were hesitant at first but we couldn't just leave him..alone; he had so much of that already. So we dropped off the idea of leaving him and just try to enjoy the day. Yesterday was really ok. No harm or violation was done and it was fun. He didn't spoil the day. I realized that you really can't go wrong with love. When you do things with love, you won't have regrets no matter how things turned out.

Jesus did everything with love when He was here on Earth and He didn't regret what He did. He became man and died on the cross because He loves us.

 

John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."

Jesus' life shouts a life of love. The world is in need of love and it's a sin not to love 'cause Jesus commands it - to love. 

Loving the lovable is not hard but loving the unlovable seems impossible! They get on your nerves and ruin your day but we have to love them anyway. Who deserves love? No one. Love is not something one gains out of the good things he's done. Love is given not to the beautiful, nice, and talented. Love is freely given. Love is unconditional.

I was really convicted yesterday. How I acted yesterday didn't glorify God. I was a hypocrite telling people to love but not acting upon it.

We owe the world love. It's not enough that we know theology, we must act on what we believe. We need God's grace to love.

Boxing, headbands, and tank tops

I went to boxing gym earlier with my boxing partner. We wore our usual outfit, comfy pants (leggings for her and jogging pants for me) and t-shirt, and our new addition to the look, our headbands. I arrived at around 5:40pm and she was there 5:30pm. We started warming up after I placed my things in the shelf, took my handwraps and gloves. Our trainer instructed us to start warming up then the jump ropes while he still had clients to attend to, 2 pretty ladies with physically fit bodies, I should say. The 2 ladies were on their cool down part when we started our warm up. We got tired doing jump ropes and we decided to check the time. It was already 6:30pm and we're still "warming up". We decided to call it a day and headed to the cashier to get our vouchers back. We didn't want to continue our boxing session today because it was getting late. The session was supposed to be just for an hour or it can extend but we've had enough of jump ropes! Jump ropes for almost an hour! We packed our things, got our vouchers, told our trainer we'd cancel today, and left the gym.

Pretty girls. What made us left was not the fact that it was getting late but because we've had enough of warm ups! We felt like we're taken for granted (haha) just because we look like kids playing inside the boxing gym. I wore loose t-shirt and not-fitting-pants and rubber shoes. We didn't have make up on our face or have nice bodies; we're not even tall. We look like kids, lost. Then I realized that the world is really unfair. Looks matter for people. If you've got pretty face, you're in! I dwell on that thought for so long, I've dwelt in it for almost my whole life. Thoughts like that would drag your self-worth down and soon you'll find yourself on the corner of a room, pitying yourself for being "not good enough" to people.

What makes a person beautiful? I believe it's more than a pretty face, nice body, and shiny hair. Physical appearance can sure attract people but it won't make people stay. I'm not against pretty girls but I'm just saying that beauty is not measured by how people see you outwardly but how you see yourself. One has to believe she's wonderfully created by God. God says you're beautiful and you have to believe that and live in that truth unless you say He's a liar.

Your eyes are carefully designed by God, so is your nose, ears, mouth, arms, even your belly! God is into details and He made you unique, uniquely beautiful. When you start living in that truth, you'll feel more confident about yourself and you'll glow even more.

People who love God and believes that God loves them have this unexplainable "glow" in them. I often hear people say to me "you're blooming" when my relationship with God is good. But I see myself looking stressed out when I am far from Him, when I choose to believe I'm ugly because someone is "better looking" than me according to the world's standard. When our inside is ugly so it reflects on the outside. When our heart is full of envy, anger, self-pity, or anything negative, our outside appearance reflects that; we're grumpy and always trying to "look pretty". But when our heart is full of love and gratitude to God, when our focus is on Jesus not on ourselves and other people, we radiate and shine like Him :)

So chin up, girl! You're beautiful! Let yourself bloom in the Light. Keep looking to Jesus :)You are beautiful. Weighing scales, pimples, frizzy hair, mirrors, and people don't define you :)

1 Samuel 16:7 "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (NIV)

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you