a terrible mistake handler

I am terrible in handling mistakes.

I was in 2^nd year of high school. I was one of the three whose project was chosen to enter the interschool competition and by God’s grace won 2^nd place. After the competition, the three of us were invited as guests on a radio program where we’d talk about our project. I always thought it would make my parents proud of me. We went to the radio program together with our teachers. We were introduced by the commentator or whatever you call it. My surname was not read properly replacing a few letters in it making it not my surname. I was too shy to butt in and correct his mistake so I kept quiet about it. We were asked a few questions and it went ok. The sun had already set; it was already dark when we got back to our school. My dad was waiting for me, not with a ready hug but with sermon. He was mad at me for 1.) not correcting my surname 2.) not texting him where I was, instead I was just texting my mom. He asked me, “Do I not matter in this family? Maybe you just want me dead. (I wasn’t texting him because my mom was the first to text me. My dad didn’t send me a single message and I was just replying to my mother’s messages so I kept her updated thinking they were together. Yes they were together in the house.  

So yes instead of “I’m proud of you”, I got a bucket of cold talk on the way home. I cried that night.

I think that’s what shaped me. That I can’t be good enough because my mistakes will always be bigger than my accomplishments, bigger than who I really am. That maybe I am mistake.

I carried that baggage for years. I would put it down for a while but would pick it up again, every step becomes more difficult as the baggage becomes heavier.

Yesterday I made yet another mistake that kept me awake past midnight.

I work as a nurse. I endorsed a patient with fever. I monitored the patient’s temperature but when the fever subsided, I stopped monitoring since the patient was already sleeping comfortably (that’s what I thought). But then the temperature rose and I didn’t know because I thought she’s already ok.  It’s my negligence. I failed again. Big time.

I was lost and my mistakes were eating me. I went home quiet. My mom noticed but I just made an excuse that my throat hurt. I tossed and turned on bed but sleep was elusive. I prayed to God, asked for forgiveness, and then I dozed off. Morning came. My mistake flooded my mind again. It was consuming me. I ate breakfast then went to my room and cried to God. I was so ashamed of myself to ever face God but there’s no other way and I desperately need and miss him. It was drifting away, floating in the vast endlessness.

I had my quiet time.

Luke 24

Looking for the Living One in a cemetery. Jesus didn’t remain dead. He saved me from all my sins by dying on the cross and he rose again. He is not defeated and I shouldn’t be. Jesus overcame death and he lives so I can live. It’s one thing that your savior died for you and another thing that your savior died for you and rose again after three days. It gives me peace knowing that my Savior is with me all the time.

this Psalm really comforts me. God’s love is just too much and it’s exhibited in Jesus. God’s love is just breathtaking. It’s real and constant, unchanged. I can't express it more beautifully than this psalm

^1-2 O my soul, bless God.
    From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
    don’t forget a single blessing!

^3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
    He heals your diseases—every one.
    He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
    He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
    He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
    He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

^6-18 God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
    God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
    keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.
Men and women don’t live very long;
    like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
    leaving nothing to show they were here.
God’s love, though, is ever and always,
    eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
    as they follow his Covenant ways
    and remember to do whatever he said.

^19-22 God has set his throne in heaven;
    he rules over us all. He’s the King!
So bless God, you angels,
    ready and able to fly at his bidding,
    quick to hear and do what he says.
Bless God, all you armies of angels,
    alert to respond to whatever he wills.
Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are—
    everything and everyone made by God.

And you, O my soul, bless God!

The issue within the issue of second best

The issue within the issue of second best.

Have you ever felt second best? I do and it sticks to me like a leech sucking my joy away. I've always thought I couldn't separate from that leech because 'it's the people around me who makes me second best'.

Yes, people may have intentionally or unintentionally made us feel second best, that we don't amount to anything hence we don't deserve the best (even the good  sometimes), but the real issue, the real deal is really (I'm using so much 'real' here haha) within ourselves. Because we let people define our worth? Partly yes. But maybe the real reason, the root of our insecurities and second best issue is the way we look at ourselves. We see ourselves, unconsciously or consciously, as someone deserving the best - the best treatment, the best anything - and when we don't get that, we get frustrated, feel mistreated, unloved, we begin to see ourselves as the victim.

How we measure ourselves affect how we perceive one's action towards us. The problem in the issue of second best is that we focus too much on ourselves; beneath that victim facade lies a villain that we created in and for ourselves. We're selfish, self-centered people, by nature, hiding in the pitiful mask of i-am-treated-second-best.

The remedy is to take the focus off ourselves, besides we're not the center of the universe.
Focus on the center of everything, the Creator of the universe and everything that existed, exists, will exist, and nonexistent, focus on Jesus.

pimples and more...pimples

Lately my pimples are popping every day! I tried applying almost everything in the cosmetic shops and beauty stores but nothing seems to work. I was getting really frustrated that I wanted to spend all my allowance for my face's sake! Even the patients were telling me that I have zits! (The zits are ripe for harvest!) My coworker was telling me the same and I was losing my confidence.

Image from ayearwithoutmirrors.com

My friends who know my life story were telling me that stress is the culprit! I couldn't agree more!

But as I am writing this, I know I couldn't blame everything on my stressor. I believe everything has its purpose. Yes, even zits.

A few months ago I wrote that beauty inside eventually will reflect outside. Those pimples, frizzy hair, or extra pounds don't define a person. Now, I have to remind myself of that! haha

I know that God wouldn't allow my pimples to flourish on my face without his knowing and permission. He knows every zit and blackhead on my face and he intricately placed them there for a purpose grander than I could think and that is for his glory. Right now, I have to put my security on God that no matter what people say about me is not as important as what God says about me. I want to stop focusing on myself and start looking on God. I want to saturate my mind with what God has to say through His Word rather than what people say about how I don't 'pass' as pretty to them. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and start following Jesus :-) I will embrace myself and everything in it. Jesus embraced me first with everything in me :-)

 ''Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.''. - Thessalonians 5:16-18

I may not have flawless skin, zit-free face' or coca-cola body but I am beautiful. K?
My Dad says it first :-)

And you are beautiful :-)

pride rock is eroding

Our senior nurse had to manage the other ward with no nurse on duty so she left our ward since there were 2 of us "contractual" nurses on duty. We had the head nurse on the other ward as our senior nurse. I am not in good terms with that sir (I don't know why) because there was this one incident wherein my senior nurse didn't report on duty so he was a nurse-reliever in the ward and he didn't even go to check how our patients were; I didn't see a shadow of him for that 8 hours and it was a toxic day because we had a weak patient. So back to the story, sir was basically our nurse so we should report to him whatever incident happened in the ward. Our "original" senior nurse always checked on us and we reported to her the "significant" events in the ward. It was 12:50pm when one of our patient slipped and hit her right elbow on the tiled bench at the pantry. Our original nurse was in the ward that time so we told her about the accident and instructed us on what to do. We referred the patient to the physician on duty through phone and he instructed us to make an accident report and bring the patient's chart to him and to just observe the patient. We accomplished the report and was on our way to sir when one of our attendants called our attention and told us to hand her the chart immediately because the van she called was already there. We gave her the chart and she went to the physician. We were hesitant if we should inform sir because we didn't have the report and the chart but in the end we did because he's still our senior nurse. We went to his ward and told him about the accident. He was a bit shocked that everything was almost done - the report, referral, doctor's order. Fast forward. The attendant came back with the chart and doctor's order in it. I carried out the order while my partner decked the order. Sir read the report and told me to add this and that (accident report accomplished. proper authorities notified). I was hesitant because in our training, the assistant chief nurse told us that those are not needed because that paper is already the accident report and that it is understood that the report would be sent to proper authorities since it has the patient's informant's address on it. I wanted to told him that but I know it's just my pride that I didn't want to look wrong. I added what he said but I was really $^%$%# (couldn't think of a word). My pride was hurt; I looked like an incompetent fool and I knew that I was right. I really didn't like the feeling and I was in rage deep down. I didn't hate sir but I didn't like him at all. He gave me cold shoulders (and I don't know why! poor eye contact noted!) and I felt like he displaced to me whatever issue he has. There was so much anger and pride in my heart. I said things about him which were disrespectful and inappropriate. I was mad, really mad because my right was violated or so I thought.

Fast forward.

I was having my quiet time with God and I was still bothered and couldn't let go of what happened. Then God convicted me and revealed that there's so much pride in my heart. I think too much of myself, think too highly of myself that I felt violated.
God reminded me that it's Jesus who lives in me and it's not me anymore so I should stop focusing on myself. It was hard to accept. Me? a proud person? ang bait ko kaya sabi ng madami. Tsaka tama naman ako e.. But God told me, "O anu yan? Hindi ba pagiging proud yan?"  It was a blow in the face. I profess that I am a follower of Christ but I don't live His life.
I asked God to strip me off my pride and to help me unload my anger, to help me forgive sir and myself and to let it go, to surrender this to Him.
Right now I don't know if I arrived to that place where I totally let go of this incident's baggage on the Cross but I really want to. I think I can only know that when I see him tomorrow.

I am amazed at how God loves. He sees my heart, every nook and cranny of my being. I am in awe at how Jesus can live in me with all these junks. But then as I am writing this, God reminded me that He redeemed me through Jesus' blood and that Jesus' righteousness is what He sees in me. Yes He knows every detail of me, every part of me, but he loves me.

In response to His love, I want to live for God, really live for God. It won't be easy; it is impossible. I've accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior since I was young and my journey's not all smooth. There were bumps, uphills, and downhills but as I looked back I saw how God was with me through all those. I am still standing today because of His grace and goodness. He is with me. Jesus is in me.

Psalm 8:3-4

When I consider your heavens,
    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place, 

what is mankind that you are mindful of them,

    human beings that you care for them?

Boxing, headbands, and tank tops

I went to boxing gym earlier with my boxing partner. We wore our usual outfit, comfy pants (leggings for her and jogging pants for me) and t-shirt, and our new addition to the look, our headbands. I arrived at around 5:40pm and she was there 5:30pm. We started warming up after I placed my things in the shelf, took my handwraps and gloves. Our trainer instructed us to start warming up then the jump ropes while he still had clients to attend to, 2 pretty ladies with physically fit bodies, I should say. The 2 ladies were on their cool down part when we started our warm up. We got tired doing jump ropes and we decided to check the time. It was already 6:30pm and we're still "warming up". We decided to call it a day and headed to the cashier to get our vouchers back. We didn't want to continue our boxing session today because it was getting late. The session was supposed to be just for an hour or it can extend but we've had enough of jump ropes! Jump ropes for almost an hour! We packed our things, got our vouchers, told our trainer we'd cancel today, and left the gym.

Pretty girls. What made us left was not the fact that it was getting late but because we've had enough of warm ups! We felt like we're taken for granted (haha) just because we look like kids playing inside the boxing gym. I wore loose t-shirt and not-fitting-pants and rubber shoes. We didn't have make up on our face or have nice bodies; we're not even tall. We look like kids, lost. Then I realized that the world is really unfair. Looks matter for people. If you've got pretty face, you're in! I dwell on that thought for so long, I've dwelt in it for almost my whole life. Thoughts like that would drag your self-worth down and soon you'll find yourself on the corner of a room, pitying yourself for being "not good enough" to people.

What makes a person beautiful? I believe it's more than a pretty face, nice body, and shiny hair. Physical appearance can sure attract people but it won't make people stay. I'm not against pretty girls but I'm just saying that beauty is not measured by how people see you outwardly but how you see yourself. One has to believe she's wonderfully created by God. God says you're beautiful and you have to believe that and live in that truth unless you say He's a liar.

Your eyes are carefully designed by God, so is your nose, ears, mouth, arms, even your belly! God is into details and He made you unique, uniquely beautiful. When you start living in that truth, you'll feel more confident about yourself and you'll glow even more.

People who love God and believes that God loves them have this unexplainable "glow" in them. I often hear people say to me "you're blooming" when my relationship with God is good. But I see myself looking stressed out when I am far from Him, when I choose to believe I'm ugly because someone is "better looking" than me according to the world's standard. When our inside is ugly so it reflects on the outside. When our heart is full of envy, anger, self-pity, or anything negative, our outside appearance reflects that; we're grumpy and always trying to "look pretty". But when our heart is full of love and gratitude to God, when our focus is on Jesus not on ourselves and other people, we radiate and shine like Him :)

So chin up, girl! You're beautiful! Let yourself bloom in the Light. Keep looking to Jesus :)You are beautiful. Weighing scales, pimples, frizzy hair, mirrors, and people don't define you :)

1 Samuel 16:7 "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (NIV)

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you