Talking to the mirror, "There's a plank in your eyes"

Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message) 

I have always been critical of myself. I magnified my lapses a hundred times that it covers up everything. After a day's work, I review my performance and realize what a lousy job I've done. This has always been my struggle.

Found this on Google...very..timely, I suppose

I am critical about myself because, this is hard to admit, I am critical about others as well. Very often do I compare myself with others and that eats my joy away. Matthew 7:1-5 hit me to the core because that's one of the ugly side of me; it took me a long time to admit it to myself. I don't nag people or make them my slave; I do what I can without asking for help as much as possible but keep an eye on other people's work as well. It feels that I am always evaluated whether I stand, sit, eat, write. It seems that there's this big floating score board on everyone's head that even a tiny flick of a finger would make a change in the score. I am so scared to make a mistake hence terrified to do things that sometimes it paralyzes me at work. I work best when I feel best, when people commend my work, when I please them. Pleasing people should never be my goal because it will get me nowhere. Performance doesn't matter to God, it is the heart that does.
I am not living the life Jesus died for. I am living a defeated life, a powerless one based on performance not on grace. 

But Jesus knows our struggles. He knows my weaknesses and my ugly side and loves me just the same. 

He gave a solution to that behavior in the following verses.

⁶ “Don’t be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don’t reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you’re only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

^7-11 “Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

¹² “Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get.

I pray that God will change my heart and my critical eyes, that I will see people in His eyes just as he sees me.

a terrible mistake handler

I am terrible in handling mistakes.

I was in 2^nd year of high school. I was one of the three whose project was chosen to enter the interschool competition and by God’s grace won 2^nd place. After the competition, the three of us were invited as guests on a radio program where we’d talk about our project. I always thought it would make my parents proud of me. We went to the radio program together with our teachers. We were introduced by the commentator or whatever you call it. My surname was not read properly replacing a few letters in it making it not my surname. I was too shy to butt in and correct his mistake so I kept quiet about it. We were asked a few questions and it went ok. The sun had already set; it was already dark when we got back to our school. My dad was waiting for me, not with a ready hug but with sermon. He was mad at me for 1.) not correcting my surname 2.) not texting him where I was, instead I was just texting my mom. He asked me, “Do I not matter in this family? Maybe you just want me dead. (I wasn’t texting him because my mom was the first to text me. My dad didn’t send me a single message and I was just replying to my mother’s messages so I kept her updated thinking they were together. Yes they were together in the house.  

So yes instead of “I’m proud of you”, I got a bucket of cold talk on the way home. I cried that night.

I think that’s what shaped me. That I can’t be good enough because my mistakes will always be bigger than my accomplishments, bigger than who I really am. That maybe I am mistake.

I carried that baggage for years. I would put it down for a while but would pick it up again, every step becomes more difficult as the baggage becomes heavier.

Yesterday I made yet another mistake that kept me awake past midnight.

I work as a nurse. I endorsed a patient with fever. I monitored the patient’s temperature but when the fever subsided, I stopped monitoring since the patient was already sleeping comfortably (that’s what I thought). But then the temperature rose and I didn’t know because I thought she’s already ok.  It’s my negligence. I failed again. Big time.

I was lost and my mistakes were eating me. I went home quiet. My mom noticed but I just made an excuse that my throat hurt. I tossed and turned on bed but sleep was elusive. I prayed to God, asked for forgiveness, and then I dozed off. Morning came. My mistake flooded my mind again. It was consuming me. I ate breakfast then went to my room and cried to God. I was so ashamed of myself to ever face God but there’s no other way and I desperately need and miss him. It was drifting away, floating in the vast endlessness.

I had my quiet time.

Luke 24

Looking for the Living One in a cemetery. Jesus didn’t remain dead. He saved me from all my sins by dying on the cross and he rose again. He is not defeated and I shouldn’t be. Jesus overcame death and he lives so I can live. It’s one thing that your savior died for you and another thing that your savior died for you and rose again after three days. It gives me peace knowing that my Savior is with me all the time.

this Psalm really comforts me. God’s love is just too much and it’s exhibited in Jesus. God’s love is just breathtaking. It’s real and constant, unchanged. I can't express it more beautifully than this psalm

^1-2 O my soul, bless God.
    From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
    don’t forget a single blessing!

^3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
    He heals your diseases—every one.
    He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
    He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
    He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
    He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

^6-18 God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
    God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
    keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.
Men and women don’t live very long;
    like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
    leaving nothing to show they were here.
God’s love, though, is ever and always,
    eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
    as they follow his Covenant ways
    and remember to do whatever he said.

^19-22 God has set his throne in heaven;
    he rules over us all. He’s the King!
So bless God, you angels,
    ready and able to fly at his bidding,
    quick to hear and do what he says.
Bless God, all you armies of angels,
    alert to respond to whatever he wills.
Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are—
    everything and everyone made by God.

And you, O my soul, bless God!

Wreck it or Fix it?

"Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Cause, if that little kid likes me...How bad can i be? " 

Wreck It Ralph

 

I am a 22-turning-23-year-old lass. I work in a hospital for more than a year, a year and a month as a trainee with close supervision from my seniors and already 3 months now as a regular staff, employed and training trainees, hopefully that’s what I am doing because that’s what I am supposed to do.

So here’s the thing: basically I’m not new to my job but half of the work I do is not-so-fitted for a regular staff. What I mean is, I stammer, get frantic about almost everything, forget things, am scared of the seniors and trainees, am always nervous, and so on. So yeah, I think I’m basically unlikeable because of the things I do. I am generally not the hero in the game.

So that’s my thought lately.

Then I watched Wreck-It Ralph. And it dawned on me that I’m Wreck-It Ralph trying to be Fix-It Felix! I am trying to go against the system. I want the role of another player!

Spoiler alert!

My name's Ralph, and I'm a bad guy. Uh, let's see...I'm 9 feet tall, I weigh 643 pounds, got a bit of a temper on me. My passion level's very near the surface, I guess, not gonna lie. Anyhoo, what else, uh... I'm a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I'm very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing's the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr. So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He's nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, you will not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, ha! And no, there aren't. For thirty years I have been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go. It's sad. Think about those guys atAsteroids? Boom, gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it.

Ralph is a wrecker, that’s his job and mind you, he’s been wrecking things for three decades. In a game, we hiss at the sight of the villain and we want him defeated right away. But the bad guy is not actually a bad guy. That’s just his role. No one wants to be the last option, the unlikeable, the monster everybody despises. There’s this Bad-Anon in the movie where villains confess their feelings about being always the bad guy and never the good guy praised by people. Here we see Ralph having the same struggle. He wants to prove his worth. He wants the Nicelanders to see that he plays the big part in the game, not just someone who wrecks things and needs to be defeated every single time. Ralph sees Felix fixing things and people bringing him pies and inviting him to parties because he’s programmed to be the good guy. It’s not the role he chose but the role given to him. Ralph longs to have that same affection and acceptance from people he’s been with for three decades.

Ralph then went to different games to earn that shiny gold medal that he thinks will give him the pass to a life he always wanted – living in the penthouse with the Nicelanders. He got a medal from a game not his; he caused trouble – big trouble. Everyone was disturbed. Along the story, Ralph met Vanellope, a glitcher (meaning she’s not supposed to be in the game, an accident waiting to happen) from Sugar Rush. She got/snatched his precious medal for her to participate in the race that will give her a chance to be included in the game. 

 

Okay I won’t spoil everything.

 

Fast froward. Felix went to Sugar Rush to find Ralph for their game not to be plugged out. Felix was caught and imprisoned in the King’s castle. In his cell, the iron bars were dwindling. He could free himself. He pound the iron bars with his hammer and he finally broke free...NOT! The iron bars became sturdier and bigger in diameter! He fixes things, remember?

A series of events happened. Ralph was able to save Vanellope and the Sugar Rush game. In the end, Ralph still wrecks the building and still sleeps on the dump but he finally get what he always wanted - acceptance.

 

Ralph wrecks things, Felix fixes them.  They both have different roles and they’re both important.

 Some things need to be broken to be fixed. And some needs to be broken real bad to realize that it needs fixing big time.  

I break things; I am good at it. And I break easily, I am vulnerable and I take pride in that because in being so I know I am alive, more than just breathing and heart pumping. 

I realized I don't actually need a golden, shiny medal to be loved. I don't need achievements and recognitions that I wanted so badly to belong. I am loved and liked by God regardless of this world's so-called medals. Finally I can say:

Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm accepted. Cause, if Jesus likes and loves me...what more can I ask? 

The Last Piece of Timtam

Last Saturday, I cried. I cried after months of tearless cheeks. I realized that the reason why I was too lazy to do my quiet time with God, why I stopped really praying and believing in the goodness of the Lord, why I felt tired and disconnected, is because I was bitter at God. I was bitter at Him for putting me in situations or places where I do not like. I thought, "Ok God..I can understand that You don't place me where I want, but to put me where I don't want? That's not fair". I didn't realize the bitterness grew and blocked my view of God and distorted my perspective of Him. The God that became in my head was far from the real God I knew when I was a child, far from the God in the Bible

Last Saturday, realizing that I became bitter somehow freed me. I became honest to God of how I have been feeling, knowing He understood and will always understand. Besides, He knows my heart. He knows me more than I know myself. He sees every corner of my heart but His love remains unchanged. I was scared to be honest with God thinking He'll love me less or leave me alone but that's not God, that's not His character.

And so, God used my discipler to encourage me. God is creative, He used the last piece of TimTam

The last piece of TimTam was at the other end. Being Filipinos, we like to leave the last piece. We don't usually eat the last piece unless prodded. But what's the difference of the last piece of TimtTm with the rest? Nothing. It tastes the same, looks the same, weighs the same. It is the same with the rest of the deliciously sweet Double coat TimTams. The thing is, the pack of TimTam was opened at the other end. The last piece of TimTam wouldn't be the last piece if the pack was opened at the last piece end. No TimTam is lesser than the other. They are equal and they are all sweet TimTams.

We are equal in God's eyes, equally the apple of His eye.
Don't ever think you're the lesser last piece. You may be the last piece but you're not anything less.

God is sweeter than millions of TimTams combined!
Thank You, Jesus :)

They don't speak French, do they?

I once admired a young lad my age. He was quite tall for our age, quite handsome and quite dark. His smile was sparkling and his eyes had so much life. He was quiet around girls but boisterous among boys, a typical man-wannabe. He didn’t mingle much with girls and his company was boys, always, until I came (ehem!). He was a mystery to me at first that’s why I asked God that we become close. We became seatmates and found a lot of similarities with each other. He was nice and cool. He liked to tease me and we always talked. He would compete with me academically. He even offered me lollipops which I declined because everybody’s looking. He searched for me with a few classmates and teachers when I was left during our field trip because another classmate of ours asked me to accompany her to buy some souvenirs. We became an item at school; even the canteen staffs were teasing us, though nothing really developed because he liked his best friend’s crush. Our friendship lasted for a year.

Then highschool came; everything in my primary years was left behind. There’s this boy who mistook me for a boy. We talked about games and animes and even dissected a frog together where I acted the masculine role. He even went to our house to play video games with my brother. We were also almost an item at our class. Even our teachers teased us. It was nothing for us and our closeness only lasted for a year.

College came. I joined youth gatherings in our church. I met this guy who’s 2 years older than me. He was for me, my knight in shining braces. He always said the right words in a non-romantic way, of course. He’s beyond friendly (well, for me) and would initiate conversation. It felt light whenever I was talking to this guy though butterflies were residing and fluttering their wings in my stomach. I would stutter and flush and smile unconsciously. He’s such a gentleman. Yes, I liked this man and even shed tears for reason I’m too lazy to elaborate here. I liked him to the point of avoiding him. I was scared of being rejected. And so, this didn’t last also. We didn’t become close. Duties, homeworks, and exams made me too busy to attend the youth gatherings. Now, I haven’t seen him for months.  

Board exam was nearing and I met this young man during the review. He was super friendly and also wore braces but he’s not a knight. He’s a year younger than me. I saw him transform from a rain-drenched boy to a warm man. He was nice but something didn’t fit. He’s like a fuzzy elephant. I considered him as friend and was never aware or denied the fact that he liked me more than that. He liked me but I never knew about it until he left. Yes, he left and I lost a friend. He was the melodramatic but jumpy type of guy. He’s also one heck of a gentleman.

Among these gents in my life, there’s this one that I met when I was around 7 years old. He, to me that age, was my superhero whom I can always go to and tell him about the villains at school and I am certain that he will come to my rescue and kick the bad guys’ butts! Then he became my friend, a very close friend. I would cry to him, laugh with him, be a crazy child with him. There are days when I would feel he left me for someone who needed him more or someone who’s nicer than I am; there are days when I would get tampo with him; and some days when I am just too lazy to have a cup of tea with him. When I first cried because of heartbreak, he was there and offered a shoulder. When I didn’t pass the admission exam for a certain university, he was there telling me there’s something better ahead. When my professors scolded me and slapped the word “idiot” on my face, he was there, holding me in his arms. He's always there. He didn't leave me nor turn his back on me when the whole world did. He stayed and stays. He's my superhero, my bestfriend, my lover, my comforter, my counselor, my provider, my shepherd, my Savior, my Lord and my God, Jesus; He's everything.

Jesus is closer to you than you think. He's not a distant or seasonal God. He's with you and in you.

Friends, don't search for security and love in the wrong places. Look at Jesus and let yourself rest in His love. Jesus is not hard to reach. He loves having conversations with us. Have inside jokes with Him, cry to Him, Jesus can take them all :)

 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15

The Good Stuff

Blessed Christmas everyone! :)

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift, Jesus Christ :)

It's been more than a year since I started working as a nurse in a mental institution. Tomorrow will be our deliberation day where the theme is "Who will stay?"
My contract will come to an end in less than a week and the outcome of tomorrow's deliberation will finalize whether I will stay and be a regular employee or I will bid the mental institution goodbye.
I still don't know whether I'm for this and I haven't heard from God about it or I just "refuse" to listen.
I don't know but I'm not very anxious about tomorrow. I know that whatever the result may be, it is willed and permitted by God. Nothing I can do to stop what He planned for my life.

In my devotion tonight in Luke 1, it's about Zechariah seeing an angel of the Lord on his duty as a priest in the temple. Zechariah was chosen by lot to go into the Temple to burn incense. A quick background: Zechariah was a priest and Elizabeth was his wife. They were both upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children because Elizabeth was barren and they were both advanced in years. When the angel appeared before Zechariah's eyes, the emotion he first felt was fear for the angel may bring good news or bad news. Then the angel assured him to not be afraid for his prayer has been answered. His wife Elizabeth will bear a son who "will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born. He will bring back many of the people of Israel to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord” (Luke 1:14-17). What a great promise that is! It's a sure deal because an angel of the Lord delivered the news. 

But Zechariah doubted and asked "How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years." In reply, the angel said "I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time."

A promise was told, the recipient doubted, he was silenced, the promise was fulfilled. 

Our doubts cannot change what God has planned. When God gives us a promise, it is not to give Him permission to fulfill it or not but to change our heart. It is a privilege to be a witness of God's good promises but when we start to doubt them and God, the joy in being involved in that promise is lost. Yes, the promise will happen but our hearts will remain unchanged.

In the case of Zechariah, he was silenced. for 9 months he couldn't proclaim or share his joy in words with people. The privilege to shout God's goodness to people was taken away from him because he doubted. Let us not waste the opportunity to take part in God's promise. 

I doubted God's good promises most of the time because I fear disappointment but it's God we're talking about here. Just who am I to doubt God? Who am I to demand things from God? Who is God?

Never doubt what God has told you even when the promise seems impossible because we serve the God of impossibilities. 

Who is God to you?

Let God be God. Not just a Sunday God, a Genie, a Busy Father, or an Old Gramp. He is God and He is bigger than what we can imagine, He is immeasurable and indescribable., the Alpha and Omega, the Creator.
 
To be honest, I don't know if God has already given an answer whether I stay or not in my present job but one thing's for sure, He is God. 

Never doubt God's love for you. If the Cross isn't enough to convince you of His love, what would?
Christmas is not just about happy carolers and giving gifts. We have Christmas because Jesus, the Son of God, was born into this world to redeem us.
Jesus gave up His life to save you, what else would He withhold from you? God desires what's best for you. The best may not be what we initially want but it's the best. And if you have Jesus in your life, what else do you lack? Nothing.