Talking to the mirror, "There's a plank in your eyes"

Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message) 

I have always been critical of myself. I magnified my lapses a hundred times that it covers up everything. After a day's work, I review my performance and realize what a lousy job I've done. This has always been my struggle.

Found this on Google...very..timely, I suppose

I am critical about myself because, this is hard to admit, I am critical about others as well. Very often do I compare myself with others and that eats my joy away. Matthew 7:1-5 hit me to the core because that's one of the ugly side of me; it took me a long time to admit it to myself. I don't nag people or make them my slave; I do what I can without asking for help as much as possible but keep an eye on other people's work as well. It feels that I am always evaluated whether I stand, sit, eat, write. It seems that there's this big floating score board on everyone's head that even a tiny flick of a finger would make a change in the score. I am so scared to make a mistake hence terrified to do things that sometimes it paralyzes me at work. I work best when I feel best, when people commend my work, when I please them. Pleasing people should never be my goal because it will get me nowhere. Performance doesn't matter to God, it is the heart that does.
I am not living the life Jesus died for. I am living a defeated life, a powerless one based on performance not on grace. 

But Jesus knows our struggles. He knows my weaknesses and my ugly side and loves me just the same. 

He gave a solution to that behavior in the following verses.

⁶ “Don’t be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don’t reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you’re only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

^7-11 “Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

¹² “Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get.

I pray that God will change my heart and my critical eyes, that I will see people in His eyes just as he sees me.

a terrible mistake handler

I am terrible in handling mistakes.

I was in 2^nd year of high school. I was one of the three whose project was chosen to enter the interschool competition and by God’s grace won 2^nd place. After the competition, the three of us were invited as guests on a radio program where we’d talk about our project. I always thought it would make my parents proud of me. We went to the radio program together with our teachers. We were introduced by the commentator or whatever you call it. My surname was not read properly replacing a few letters in it making it not my surname. I was too shy to butt in and correct his mistake so I kept quiet about it. We were asked a few questions and it went ok. The sun had already set; it was already dark when we got back to our school. My dad was waiting for me, not with a ready hug but with sermon. He was mad at me for 1.) not correcting my surname 2.) not texting him where I was, instead I was just texting my mom. He asked me, “Do I not matter in this family? Maybe you just want me dead. (I wasn’t texting him because my mom was the first to text me. My dad didn’t send me a single message and I was just replying to my mother’s messages so I kept her updated thinking they were together. Yes they were together in the house.  

So yes instead of “I’m proud of you”, I got a bucket of cold talk on the way home. I cried that night.

I think that’s what shaped me. That I can’t be good enough because my mistakes will always be bigger than my accomplishments, bigger than who I really am. That maybe I am mistake.

I carried that baggage for years. I would put it down for a while but would pick it up again, every step becomes more difficult as the baggage becomes heavier.

Yesterday I made yet another mistake that kept me awake past midnight.

I work as a nurse. I endorsed a patient with fever. I monitored the patient’s temperature but when the fever subsided, I stopped monitoring since the patient was already sleeping comfortably (that’s what I thought). But then the temperature rose and I didn’t know because I thought she’s already ok.  It’s my negligence. I failed again. Big time.

I was lost and my mistakes were eating me. I went home quiet. My mom noticed but I just made an excuse that my throat hurt. I tossed and turned on bed but sleep was elusive. I prayed to God, asked for forgiveness, and then I dozed off. Morning came. My mistake flooded my mind again. It was consuming me. I ate breakfast then went to my room and cried to God. I was so ashamed of myself to ever face God but there’s no other way and I desperately need and miss him. It was drifting away, floating in the vast endlessness.

I had my quiet time.

Luke 24

Looking for the Living One in a cemetery. Jesus didn’t remain dead. He saved me from all my sins by dying on the cross and he rose again. He is not defeated and I shouldn’t be. Jesus overcame death and he lives so I can live. It’s one thing that your savior died for you and another thing that your savior died for you and rose again after three days. It gives me peace knowing that my Savior is with me all the time.

this Psalm really comforts me. God’s love is just too much and it’s exhibited in Jesus. God’s love is just breathtaking. It’s real and constant, unchanged. I can't express it more beautifully than this psalm

^1-2 O my soul, bless God.
    From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
    don’t forget a single blessing!

^3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
    He heals your diseases—every one.
    He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
    He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
    He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
    He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

^6-18 God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
    God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
    keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.
Men and women don’t live very long;
    like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
    leaving nothing to show they were here.
God’s love, though, is ever and always,
    eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
    as they follow his Covenant ways
    and remember to do whatever he said.

^19-22 God has set his throne in heaven;
    he rules over us all. He’s the King!
So bless God, you angels,
    ready and able to fly at his bidding,
    quick to hear and do what he says.
Bless God, all you armies of angels,
    alert to respond to whatever he wills.
Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are—
    everything and everyone made by God.

And you, O my soul, bless God!

Photograph

Browsing old photographs brought memories. I saw my carefree-i-don't-give-a-damn-how-i-look face on the photos. I may not be photogenic or pretty, I may not know how to angle myself but the photos give an i-know-i'm-beautiful-because-i-feel-it-inside impression.

I used to be full of life and sunshine. You cannot trace stress on my face when now it is tattooed all over.

I miss those fearless, joyful days.

Here's me more than a year ago

 Not the prettiest photo. No make up. No take two. A stolen shot of when I was sharing my life with the girls at the retreat. It was all honesty. I knew back then I was at peace, contented, and loved beyond question. I believed that goodness is there; beneath the chaos there's hope because God is there. I was so secured in God that I could smile at the storm, I could sleep with the waves crashing on my sides because Jesus is with me in the boat and he will get me through to the other side of the ocean. I know that it is still true and will forever be. Jesus will always be my Savior and Lord who could and would calm the raging storms within and around me. I want to be engulfed with that truth, to let myself let God be God again. To let him consume me until I am totally His.

If I take pictures of myself these days, can I look at these photographs 1 or 2 years after and say to myself, "Wow, there's so much hope, peace, faith, and love"?

NBSB

That certain day when people started asking you why you still don't have a boyfriend.

Last night, I was asked by people, several people, why I still don't have a boyfriend.
Simple answer: I'm in no rush. I enjoy where I am right now.

They couldn't believe that I have lived my 22 years without a boy. Well, sorry to disappoint you but that is possible.

It's not that I am a picky person that I have preferred looks and bank accounts. I am just not in a rush. I don't want to make impulsive decisions that I might regret and bring me unnecessary heartaches.
I am contented with the relationships I have with God, my family, and my friends.
Yes, there's a void in everyone's heart that no one can fill except God.

I am still a romantic lass. I am hopeful that someday in God's perfect time I will meet my other half, my God's best. And until that day, I want to remain pure physically and emotionally.
Yes I am not a risk taker especially if hearts are involved. It's not just me who will be affected by my hasty decisions but the other person as well. I am also perfectly aware that no heart remains scratch-free. Mine have been scratched, rolled over, trampled, and sometimes cut through. But that is the beauty of the heart, no matter how much it has been broken, it is still reparable and redeemable; it is still beautiful. It can still love despite the pounding and slashing.

So why do I still choose to remain single? Because I take care of my heart. I take care of what God has given me because God loves me and I love Him. The heart is in no security of never getting hurt unless you choose to lock it in a casket and be irredeemable. I just choose not to give pearls to pigs. If a day will come when I will say my "yes" and if it happens that my heart is broken, I would still want to rejoice in the fact that I have loved. Until that day, I choose to guard my heart but still be vulnerable, to love despite of.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

We love because He first loved us. 
1 John 4:19

 

Beauty in the Mess

June 15 2011

I was looking for my book last night in the storage room. The room itself was in a mess. There were books on the floor and boxes scattered. I struggled my way to the bookshelf and began searching for my book. As i was rummaging the shelf, I bumped my knee into things and they fell. I was going to ignore them when something hard hit my foot. I looked at it and there it was, the book I was searching for.

Sometimes the very thing we’re looking for is in the mess we’re trying to avoid; it takes pain for us to finally see and acknowledge it.

God told me that night that we could find beauty in a mess. In Him, there is beauty in the mess. He found beauty in us.

And he asked me, “Do you have to get hurt just for you to look at it?”

Still

I still like hotdog. I still sing '90s songs. I still use warm water in bath. I am still left handed.

The word still is often unnoticed.
Tonight, while listening to a song that I am still playing right now, the word "still" became a big word.

There is still hope. This means that hope never left. It is there though maybe hidden somewhere. It can be found because it didn't disappear. Hope is still there.

I still love you. Love never departed. Love is there. When God whispered, "I still love you", it means that God never did not love us. His love for us didn't disappear like smoke.Still. It remains unchanged.

The Last Piece of Timtam

Last Saturday, I cried. I cried after months of tearless cheeks. I realized that the reason why I was too lazy to do my quiet time with God, why I stopped really praying and believing in the goodness of the Lord, why I felt tired and disconnected, is because I was bitter at God. I was bitter at Him for putting me in situations or places where I do not like. I thought, "Ok God..I can understand that You don't place me where I want, but to put me where I don't want? That's not fair". I didn't realize the bitterness grew and blocked my view of God and distorted my perspective of Him. The God that became in my head was far from the real God I knew when I was a child, far from the God in the Bible

Last Saturday, realizing that I became bitter somehow freed me. I became honest to God of how I have been feeling, knowing He understood and will always understand. Besides, He knows my heart. He knows me more than I know myself. He sees every corner of my heart but His love remains unchanged. I was scared to be honest with God thinking He'll love me less or leave me alone but that's not God, that's not His character.

And so, God used my discipler to encourage me. God is creative, He used the last piece of TimTam

The last piece of TimTam was at the other end. Being Filipinos, we like to leave the last piece. We don't usually eat the last piece unless prodded. But what's the difference of the last piece of TimtTm with the rest? Nothing. It tastes the same, looks the same, weighs the same. It is the same with the rest of the deliciously sweet Double coat TimTams. The thing is, the pack of TimTam was opened at the other end. The last piece of TimTam wouldn't be the last piece if the pack was opened at the last piece end. No TimTam is lesser than the other. They are equal and they are all sweet TimTams.

We are equal in God's eyes, equally the apple of His eye.
Don't ever think you're the lesser last piece. You may be the last piece but you're not anything less.

God is sweeter than millions of TimTams combined!
Thank You, Jesus :)

This.

 

Yes, I think alone times are necessary. It lets you see yourself more. And I believe alone times are best to be spent with God. 

Being jobless has its advantage also :)

Thank God for taking your job away along with its busy schedules so you could spend more time alone with God, just basking in His presence. 

The Loss I Thought I Will Never Mourn

Every morning after I pass my pee, I would go to specific corner in my house to greet a silent but day-changing dweller, the weighing scale. I tap one of the round metals on either four corners and wait for the "0.0" to appear on the small horizontal screen and the moment I step on the glass board is the moment my diaphragm stops moving. I hold my breath thinking inhaling air would increase the number on the horizontal screen which I dreaded. That's how I feel every morning. I face the weighing scale's derision at the start of my day. If my weight increases from yesterday's, I would not eat a hefty breakfast and would "punish" myself for overeating yesternight. I would be a pauper during breakfast but then I would starve at the middle of the day so I would eat like a prince at lunch and a king with a big appetite at night because I feel "deprived". So the cycle goes on, an unhealthy, misguided cycle. 

Why do I let the weighing scale dictate my day? Why do we want to be thin...thinner?
Society, the media, the world, made us believe that if only we can have a Coca-cola body then we're beautiful. Any dress would look good on, any angle on the picture would be perfect, the skinny jeans would fit, oxford shoes would match, swimsuit would be "legal" to wear, heads would turn, and the lies go on. Why do we buy those lies? Why do we let the standard of the world shape us? Why do we fear the scale and turn away disgusted at ourselves when the weighing scale shouts "FAT" with the numbers it shows? I like this picture.. Why do numbers make us cry? Why do they define us?

The villain..

I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to weigh 115pounds and then I would be contented and would feel good about myself. But I doubt that. There's always just a little more. Just a little more weight loss and I would be ok, just a little more tan, just a little straighter, just a little whiter, just a little taller, just a little fairer. Just a little more is not just a little. It's a lot and it goes deep into your system and develops ungrateful, discontented, greedy, insecure heart.

We always compare ourselves with people who have a little more. They are thinner, fairer, richer, etc. We see ourselves as someone inferior. We doubt ourselves and throw away our value to the dogs for them to feast on. Media has warped our view on ourselves. It poisoned the little girls' dreams and turned them into nightmares of self-obsession, insecurity, envy, discontentment, low self-esteem.

I still struggle with wanting to be more acceptable to the "society". But I want to stop trying to fit in a box I am not meant to live.

I want to encourage myself and you to stop seeing ourselves so small and not good enough. We have to stop wearing the skimpy clothes where we could hardly breathe and move, to throw the skinny jeans and stilettos that's holding us from  doing pirouette. Stop depriving yourself, stop unhealthy diet that's sipping your energy for fun. Beauty is not on the outside. I still believe and would always want to believe that beauty is on the inside; it starts on the inside and reflects on the outside.

This should be on every weighing scale, don't you agree?

Don't let the weighing scale weigh you down! Don't allow the tape measure to make a corpse out of you. Don't let the society define your worth.

Find your worth in Jesus. He died for you. He saved you. He didn't die on the cross so you could paddle in the puddle with pigs. Jesus has come that we may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10). See yourself in God's perspective. You are the apple of God's eye! (Zechariah 2:8, Psalm 17:8)

Instead of exhausting yourself on being like the Victoria Secret's angels, be a Proverbs 31 woman! I am sure that when your Coca-cola body inflates, your wrinkles show, and your arthritis attacks, your character remains. And I am certain that every man wants a wife worth keeping for a lifetime, not a barbie doll stuck in a cabinet for display and then thrown in the trash when stained.

Bodies will decay but not character and the relationships nurtured.

Be beYOUtiful. Lose weight because you want to be healthy for yourself and God. You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14). To say that you're ugly and a reject is same as calling God a fake artist and a liar. Believe God when He says your beautiful.

My prayer for you is that you will see how much God loves you through His Son Jesus.
His love defines you.

They don't speak French, do they?

I once admired a young lad my age. He was quite tall for our age, quite handsome and quite dark. His smile was sparkling and his eyes had so much life. He was quiet around girls but boisterous among boys, a typical man-wannabe. He didn’t mingle much with girls and his company was boys, always, until I came (ehem!). He was a mystery to me at first that’s why I asked God that we become close. We became seatmates and found a lot of similarities with each other. He was nice and cool. He liked to tease me and we always talked. He would compete with me academically. He even offered me lollipops which I declined because everybody’s looking. He searched for me with a few classmates and teachers when I was left during our field trip because another classmate of ours asked me to accompany her to buy some souvenirs. We became an item at school; even the canteen staffs were teasing us, though nothing really developed because he liked his best friend’s crush. Our friendship lasted for a year.

Then highschool came; everything in my primary years was left behind. There’s this boy who mistook me for a boy. We talked about games and animes and even dissected a frog together where I acted the masculine role. He even went to our house to play video games with my brother. We were also almost an item at our class. Even our teachers teased us. It was nothing for us and our closeness only lasted for a year.

College came. I joined youth gatherings in our church. I met this guy who’s 2 years older than me. He was for me, my knight in shining braces. He always said the right words in a non-romantic way, of course. He’s beyond friendly (well, for me) and would initiate conversation. It felt light whenever I was talking to this guy though butterflies were residing and fluttering their wings in my stomach. I would stutter and flush and smile unconsciously. He’s such a gentleman. Yes, I liked this man and even shed tears for reason I’m too lazy to elaborate here. I liked him to the point of avoiding him. I was scared of being rejected. And so, this didn’t last also. We didn’t become close. Duties, homeworks, and exams made me too busy to attend the youth gatherings. Now, I haven’t seen him for months.  

Board exam was nearing and I met this young man during the review. He was super friendly and also wore braces but he’s not a knight. He’s a year younger than me. I saw him transform from a rain-drenched boy to a warm man. He was nice but something didn’t fit. He’s like a fuzzy elephant. I considered him as friend and was never aware or denied the fact that he liked me more than that. He liked me but I never knew about it until he left. Yes, he left and I lost a friend. He was the melodramatic but jumpy type of guy. He’s also one heck of a gentleman.

Among these gents in my life, there’s this one that I met when I was around 7 years old. He, to me that age, was my superhero whom I can always go to and tell him about the villains at school and I am certain that he will come to my rescue and kick the bad guys’ butts! Then he became my friend, a very close friend. I would cry to him, laugh with him, be a crazy child with him. There are days when I would feel he left me for someone who needed him more or someone who’s nicer than I am; there are days when I would get tampo with him; and some days when I am just too lazy to have a cup of tea with him. When I first cried because of heartbreak, he was there and offered a shoulder. When I didn’t pass the admission exam for a certain university, he was there telling me there’s something better ahead. When my professors scolded me and slapped the word “idiot” on my face, he was there, holding me in his arms. He's always there. He didn't leave me nor turn his back on me when the whole world did. He stayed and stays. He's my superhero, my bestfriend, my lover, my comforter, my counselor, my provider, my shepherd, my Savior, my Lord and my God, Jesus; He's everything.

Jesus is closer to you than you think. He's not a distant or seasonal God. He's with you and in you.

Friends, don't search for security and love in the wrong places. Look at Jesus and let yourself rest in His love. Jesus is not hard to reach. He loves having conversations with us. Have inside jokes with Him, cry to Him, Jesus can take them all :)

 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15