The tree in my stomach!

source: http://weheartit.com/entry/50694424

This.

 

Yes, I think alone times are necessary. It lets you see yourself more. And I believe alone times are best to be spent with God. 

Being jobless has its advantage also :)

Thank God for taking your job away along with its busy schedules so you could spend more time alone with God, just basking in His presence. 

The Loss I Thought I Will Never Mourn

Every morning after I pass my pee, I would go to specific corner in my house to greet a silent but day-changing dweller, the weighing scale. I tap one of the round metals on either four corners and wait for the "0.0" to appear on the small horizontal screen and the moment I step on the glass board is the moment my diaphragm stops moving. I hold my breath thinking inhaling air would increase the number on the horizontal screen which I dreaded. That's how I feel every morning. I face the weighing scale's derision at the start of my day. If my weight increases from yesterday's, I would not eat a hefty breakfast and would "punish" myself for overeating yesternight. I would be a pauper during breakfast but then I would starve at the middle of the day so I would eat like a prince at lunch and a king with a big appetite at night because I feel "deprived". So the cycle goes on, an unhealthy, misguided cycle. 

Why do I let the weighing scale dictate my day? Why do we want to be thin...thinner?
Society, the media, the world, made us believe that if only we can have a Coca-cola body then we're beautiful. Any dress would look good on, any angle on the picture would be perfect, the skinny jeans would fit, oxford shoes would match, swimsuit would be "legal" to wear, heads would turn, and the lies go on. Why do we buy those lies? Why do we let the standard of the world shape us? Why do we fear the scale and turn away disgusted at ourselves when the weighing scale shouts "FAT" with the numbers it shows? I like this picture.. Why do numbers make us cry? Why do they define us?

The villain..

I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to weigh 115pounds and then I would be contented and would feel good about myself. But I doubt that. There's always just a little more. Just a little more weight loss and I would be ok, just a little more tan, just a little straighter, just a little whiter, just a little taller, just a little fairer. Just a little more is not just a little. It's a lot and it goes deep into your system and develops ungrateful, discontented, greedy, insecure heart.

We always compare ourselves with people who have a little more. They are thinner, fairer, richer, etc. We see ourselves as someone inferior. We doubt ourselves and throw away our value to the dogs for them to feast on. Media has warped our view on ourselves. It poisoned the little girls' dreams and turned them into nightmares of self-obsession, insecurity, envy, discontentment, low self-esteem.

I still struggle with wanting to be more acceptable to the "society". But I want to stop trying to fit in a box I am not meant to live.

I want to encourage myself and you to stop seeing ourselves so small and not good enough. We have to stop wearing the skimpy clothes where we could hardly breathe and move, to throw the skinny jeans and stilettos that's holding us from  doing pirouette. Stop depriving yourself, stop unhealthy diet that's sipping your energy for fun. Beauty is not on the outside. I still believe and would always want to believe that beauty is on the inside; it starts on the inside and reflects on the outside.

This should be on every weighing scale, don't you agree?

Don't let the weighing scale weigh you down! Don't allow the tape measure to make a corpse out of you. Don't let the society define your worth.

Find your worth in Jesus. He died for you. He saved you. He didn't die on the cross so you could paddle in the puddle with pigs. Jesus has come that we may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10). See yourself in God's perspective. You are the apple of God's eye! (Zechariah 2:8, Psalm 17:8)

Instead of exhausting yourself on being like the Victoria Secret's angels, be a Proverbs 31 woman! I am sure that when your Coca-cola body inflates, your wrinkles show, and your arthritis attacks, your character remains. And I am certain that every man wants a wife worth keeping for a lifetime, not a barbie doll stuck in a cabinet for display and then thrown in the trash when stained.

Bodies will decay but not character and the relationships nurtured.

Be beYOUtiful. Lose weight because you want to be healthy for yourself and God. You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14). To say that you're ugly and a reject is same as calling God a fake artist and a liar. Believe God when He says your beautiful.

My prayer for you is that you will see how much God loves you through His Son Jesus.
His love defines you.

They don't speak French, do they?

I once admired a young lad my age. He was quite tall for our age, quite handsome and quite dark. His smile was sparkling and his eyes had so much life. He was quiet around girls but boisterous among boys, a typical man-wannabe. He didn’t mingle much with girls and his company was boys, always, until I came (ehem!). He was a mystery to me at first that’s why I asked God that we become close. We became seatmates and found a lot of similarities with each other. He was nice and cool. He liked to tease me and we always talked. He would compete with me academically. He even offered me lollipops which I declined because everybody’s looking. He searched for me with a few classmates and teachers when I was left during our field trip because another classmate of ours asked me to accompany her to buy some souvenirs. We became an item at school; even the canteen staffs were teasing us, though nothing really developed because he liked his best friend’s crush. Our friendship lasted for a year.

Then highschool came; everything in my primary years was left behind. There’s this boy who mistook me for a boy. We talked about games and animes and even dissected a frog together where I acted the masculine role. He even went to our house to play video games with my brother. We were also almost an item at our class. Even our teachers teased us. It was nothing for us and our closeness only lasted for a year.

College came. I joined youth gatherings in our church. I met this guy who’s 2 years older than me. He was for me, my knight in shining braces. He always said the right words in a non-romantic way, of course. He’s beyond friendly (well, for me) and would initiate conversation. It felt light whenever I was talking to this guy though butterflies were residing and fluttering their wings in my stomach. I would stutter and flush and smile unconsciously. He’s such a gentleman. Yes, I liked this man and even shed tears for reason I’m too lazy to elaborate here. I liked him to the point of avoiding him. I was scared of being rejected. And so, this didn’t last also. We didn’t become close. Duties, homeworks, and exams made me too busy to attend the youth gatherings. Now, I haven’t seen him for months.  

Board exam was nearing and I met this young man during the review. He was super friendly and also wore braces but he’s not a knight. He’s a year younger than me. I saw him transform from a rain-drenched boy to a warm man. He was nice but something didn’t fit. He’s like a fuzzy elephant. I considered him as friend and was never aware or denied the fact that he liked me more than that. He liked me but I never knew about it until he left. Yes, he left and I lost a friend. He was the melodramatic but jumpy type of guy. He’s also one heck of a gentleman.

Among these gents in my life, there’s this one that I met when I was around 7 years old. He, to me that age, was my superhero whom I can always go to and tell him about the villains at school and I am certain that he will come to my rescue and kick the bad guys’ butts! Then he became my friend, a very close friend. I would cry to him, laugh with him, be a crazy child with him. There are days when I would feel he left me for someone who needed him more or someone who’s nicer than I am; there are days when I would get tampo with him; and some days when I am just too lazy to have a cup of tea with him. When I first cried because of heartbreak, he was there and offered a shoulder. When I didn’t pass the admission exam for a certain university, he was there telling me there’s something better ahead. When my professors scolded me and slapped the word “idiot” on my face, he was there, holding me in his arms. He's always there. He didn't leave me nor turn his back on me when the whole world did. He stayed and stays. He's my superhero, my bestfriend, my lover, my comforter, my counselor, my provider, my shepherd, my Savior, my Lord and my God, Jesus; He's everything.

Jesus is closer to you than you think. He's not a distant or seasonal God. He's with you and in you.

Friends, don't search for security and love in the wrong places. Look at Jesus and let yourself rest in His love. Jesus is not hard to reach. He loves having conversations with us. Have inside jokes with Him, cry to Him, Jesus can take them all :)

 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15

the hot mudra, the reliable OC, the silent beauty, the oh-so-honest lass, and the narrator

At first, I just wanted a permanent job that pays well and gives me a sense of fulfilment. Little did I know that those will change. Two days ago marked the end of my one year (and a month) training as a psychiatric nurse. The journey wasn’t all smooth road and sunny sky but one thing’s for sure, I didn’t walk or sometimes trudge that road alone.

Friends come and friends go,
    but a true friend sticks by you like family

Proverbs 18:24 

I started my job December of 2011. We were regrouped mid of December and I didn’t know anyone from my new group and that was when I first met those 4 girls who would make my journey a lot enjoyable and meaningful. My first encounters with them were just ordinary. Two of them I saw saving a kitten from possible car accident and I found them amusing to watch because of their affection for the poor kitten and how they used paper to pick the kitten. After the heroic act of saving a kitten, they saved a child from being a floater. They went to me who was sitting alone looking like an abandoned child. They invited me to join them during breaks and offered, though indirectly, to be my friends to which I merrily and without hesitation accepted. Fatefully, one of them was assigned at the Emergency Room where I too was assigned. Her name’s Noime.

Ate Noime is beyond thirty, beyond flirty, and beyond thriving! She’s still single at a very fruitful age. She’s as cool as a decent teenager and as witty as a woman who gained wisdom over the years. She has a big heart and I consider her our mudra/mother. She exceeds those senior nurses in terms of caring and she understands like she’s as young as you are. She stands for what she thinks is right and operates based on her convictions. She tolerates our stubbornness (because she’s sometimes, too) but disciplines us when we’re acting like brats. She can sometimes be bitchy as we all are but still amusing. She never fails to flatter us with her remarks, be it positive or negative. I always wonder why she’s still single. Where are you, gents?

With Ate Noime that fateful day was Martha. She’s as cute as a ribbon and as white and delicate as a marshmallow. She’s not the youngest but acts like one. She has dimples that could capture mature men (teehee). Martha is one of my closest companions though we seldom worked with each other. One attribute of her that amuses me is her being an open book to all. If not because she’s my friend, I wouldn’t tell her any secrets at all! You can READ her easily, what she’s thinking, what she’s trying to hide, and what she’s imagining! She can’t hide her feelings and that gives her away easily. She also tells stories as if it’s happening right in front of you! She’s a sweet friend that listens and speaks with her heart. She’s a great writer and I hope she finishes the novel SOON!

Next was Katherine, the silent bitch beauty. She was assigned at the same ward as Martha’s that day. Kat has the poise and the elegance of a woman. But at her words, men tremble and hide. She throws her comments with such authority that you cannot argue with whatever she says. Kat is someone whom I know I can always confide in despite her apathetic look sometimes. She listens well even though her replies are mostly “uh” and “mmm”. She has a sweet, alluring voice that holds piercing words. Kat is a sensible person and I am privileged to work with her for a month. She embodies beauty and wit, the reason why men go gaga over her.

The last but certainly not the least is our eldest sister, Bernadette, the queen of orderliness. Never did I see her come to work with dishevelled or untied hair. She has this cute blush on her cheeks and a warm smile ready to embrace anyone she sees. She works like a machine and never tires! She defends the bullied and has no room for impartiality (except when we’re involved haha). She gives advices and warm hugs that could brighten up one’s day. And oh, she’s also filthy rich! Her ATM’s always loaded.

So that’s our family. I know this don’t give them justice. I apologize for my lack of decent words to describe them. But believe me when I say they are incredible women who stand out in character and beauty.

I will always be grateful to God for meeting them.

I hope that each of them finds their own shining star.

With much love,

Wendy, the youngest.