Confessions.

I have confessions to make.


After a talk with my discipler today, I stayed in the mall to ponder on things.


I always tell everyone I know that I suck at work. I fail and am a miserable nurse. I lack proper judgement and become easily frantic. So I fear failure. Work becomes my life because that's what I know, what I think I am.

As you can see, what I've said in the previous paragraph is a contradiction. I masked myself with false humility.

Here's the truth.

My confession #1

I excel at work.
Yes, I do. The patients like me, most trust me. The people I work with like how I do my job. You see, I do my job well. I may sound proud but that's just being honest.My seniors praise me; they even requested for me. I believe I am pretty good. But I never fail to say the opposite.

I hate failing because I think I am good. Work is a place I feel secured and wanted. It is not the mistakes that I will make or failing that I fear but rather losing the security I now have. I dread the day that the people who now like me will despise me because of a single mistake.

The mistake I made: I place my security on the wrong things.

 Confession #2

I am a proud person masked in the facade of a meek person. I feel superior over people who do lousy work. I judge people on their mistakes and believe that people are ungracious because they judge others based on their mistakes.

The mistake I made: I use the wrong measure on people.

My resolutions:

Accept God's love and live it out.
Remind myself daily of the Cross.
Rise above the occasion.
Remove the lies in my head. Acknowledging them will never be enough. I have to terminate them and replace them with truths.
Love people.

The thing about....

The thing about being the less bad child is you become the outlet for rants.
The thing about being the youngest, you absorb almost everything. How your older sibling is way better or much worse than you.
The thing about being me is that I keep my mouth shut most of the time but almost shouts curses in my head.
The thing about keeping an almost anonymous blog is that I can pour my heart's content and nobody would even bother.
The thing about being sick is the luxury of staying on your bed, escaping the impending sermon.
The thing about all these, they are just mostly in my head.

Review: Queen In Hyun's Man

Queen In Hyun's Man is a romantic-fantasy Korean drama. It is one of those time-traveling TV series but the plot is beautifully crafted and carefully thought of. The story revolves around Choi Hee-jin, a struggling actress, and Kim Boong-do, a time-traveling scholar from the Joseon dynasty. They met under awkward circumstances and through these that they started falling in love with each other. 
This drama doesn't only focus on the romance of the two leads but also on the development of the characters.

*not in the mood for a review haha

I'm drunk. Blame it on the white mocha frappe

Disclaimer: This entry is the product of my disorganized train of thoughts

I met up with my friend in a coffee shop near our place (Yes, we’re now officially neighbors! Yay). We had frappe, mine’s a white mocha and hers a caramel. She wanted white mocha frappe but due to my violent reaction upon hearing her order, she opted to change hers. It turned out she liked mine but it’s too sweet which is weird or she’s just bitter haha (See, I live up to my disclaimer. Bear with me)

We talked about random updates and this topic which led me to writing my thoughts.

My friend told me that she still thinks that he-who-i-must-not-name is my GB.

I wanted to banish the thought myself but it still lingers even after a year or so has passed.

My entry starts here.

I first met the boy years before. He’s a friend of a friend. He seemed like a bibo kid back then, jumpy and a friend of everyone.

I noticed him only this 2011 during our review at the retreat house. He was a lost boy, standing outside, holding a cigarette, puffing smoke like some badass-i-don’t-give-a-damn. He was the opposite of the boy I met years before.

A couple of events led to the lobby of our dorm house, under the light of a chandelier. He opened up his life to me and he cried. It was a cry of a rain-drenched boy wanting to feel the warmth of life, to get back to God. I prayed with him and lent him the book, Travelling Light. He went back to his dorm and started again. He started attending bible studies, reading the bible, praying, and encouraging people. I could sense the warmth radiating from him, the warmth that was once lost. The hand that held cigarette was now holding a bible. His bible was attached to him like a body part. He changed.

I developed friendships with people during the review.

After a month of intensive review at the retreat house, we still had a month to review on our own for the licensure exam. We spent our month reviewing in coffee shops, diner, or wherever was convenient for most of us. If the place was far from where I reside, he would fetch me at the train station. He surprised me with a black sesame green tea frappe. He comforted me when my anxiety for the upcoming licensure was at its peak. He was there.

We spent hours texting or talking over the mobile phone or telephone. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about, or rather, he kept the conversation going. He was interested.

The 2 days of our licensure exam, he would call me every after test, during breaks, and after all the tests for the day was done. On the last day, we met and went to sunday service together where we met our other friends. He, to me, was someone I dread to be friends with. How it started was too fast to last, he's too close to stay. 

Unconsciously, I started having this thought that he’s one of those that are meant to stay in my life.

But then, just like when we first met, he went back to being a lost boy. In an instant, just like how everything started.

What scares me the most when the thought of him being my GB surfaces is that I am never sure with him. I really can't put a name to the uncertainty, but there is. He’s a drama I cannot handle, something I want to watch but doesn’t want to know the ending.

Honestly, I am ambivalent towards him. He entered my life, became one of the characters with a name and left with just scribbles all over the pages. He left me with questions I never intend to ask.

  

It is not my intention to put the blame on you or be an unwelcome burden to anyone. That part of my mind is just a little fuddled. I am just blabbing like a drunken pelican. 


I guess I still need to sort things out with you. Yes, I may need that for whoever's sake. 

Photograph

Browsing old photographs brought memories. I saw my carefree-i-don't-give-a-damn-how-i-look face on the photos. I may not be photogenic or pretty, I may not know how to angle myself but the photos give an i-know-i'm-beautiful-because-i-feel-it-inside impression.

I used to be full of life and sunshine. You cannot trace stress on my face when now it is tattooed all over.

I miss those fearless, joyful days.

Here's me more than a year ago

 Not the prettiest photo. No make up. No take two. A stolen shot of when I was sharing my life with the girls at the retreat. It was all honesty. I knew back then I was at peace, contented, and loved beyond question. I believed that goodness is there; beneath the chaos there's hope because God is there. I was so secured in God that I could smile at the storm, I could sleep with the waves crashing on my sides because Jesus is with me in the boat and he will get me through to the other side of the ocean. I know that it is still true and will forever be. Jesus will always be my Savior and Lord who could and would calm the raging storms within and around me. I want to be engulfed with that truth, to let myself let God be God again. To let him consume me until I am totally His.

If I take pictures of myself these days, can I look at these photographs 1 or 2 years after and say to myself, "Wow, there's so much hope, peace, faith, and love"?

Thank you God for your grace. It still amazes me. Really.
Thank you Jesus.

Rise!

Rise to the occasion—do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body.

Oswald Chambers