Love is shaking with dirty hands and giving a piece of thread

Today I fell in love with the smiles and laughs, longings and affections of young MRs.
It's such a joy to be called with such glee. When their eyes light up at the sight of you. When they make simple gestures that are reserved for those they are comfortable with.
When they trust you with their seemingly useless things for us such as a thread.
When they ask for your hands and they squeeze and shake them.
Today I experienced love from a young mentally retarded. He's a gift.
Today, God let me see love in a simple, pure form.

a day, a lesson, His love

Very often do I question if I am meant to be a nurse. The question rises more on occasions that I "fail" which, mind you, is getting more frequent these days and more evident. When I say fail, it means mistakes I do consciously or unconsciously, my negligence and malpractice resulting from lack of or unwillingness to review.

I'm becoming more stressed these days. Overworked, disorganized working environment, lack of resources, all of these resulting to burnout.

Today I made a stupid mistake. I was so sure of what I was doing until my senior caught my attention and told me, 'where did you get that idea? That's not how it should be with this case'. Everyone with me knew the right thing to do and I was the only one wrong, even the juniors knew better. I was flushed with shame. I might have put my client in a distressful situation. Given all these, I want to justify my desire to quit.

Rise to the occasion, do what the trial demands of you...as long as it give God glory.

I am left again with questions like, 'are the mistakes I made myself considered trials?' 'How can I give God glory when all I do is fail?'

My heart is full of pride. I always say to people, 'your mistakes don't define you. God loves you the same.' But when the same happens to me, hearing and digesting it is not as easy as saying it. It is just hard.

I tried (tried because lately my quiet time is not quality time anymore) reading a passage from the bible, random passage. God brought me to Psalm 103. It didn't give me a self-boost but an assurance. It is more like a promise that life is beautiful because of God, that everything the world condemns me with, no matter how they see me, is not of importance because God looks at me with love and compassion, His grace abounds. That mistakes don't matter to God as they are to people, that God doesn't always accuse but pardons instead. That he knows how we are formed, that we are dust and he's not surprised by our lackness but loves us immeasurably. That though we are fleeting, his love for those who fear him is from everlasting to everlasting.

I guess good entry comes from a troubled, ecstatic, or broken heart. A polished heart cannot produce authentic words.

Manners Matter!

After an hour of not-so-intense-but-fat-burning-sweat-dripping boxing session with my friend, we went to MiniStop for some refreshment. My friend went to the cashier to buy her drink while I stayed and sat at the table for four near the glass door. While I was waiting for her, a group of teenage girls walked in. One girl went to my table and without uttering a word placed her bag on the chair across me. Then another girl followed and placed her bag on the other chair and they went to buy whatever they had to buy.

I remained quiet but very disappointed with their manners or their lack thereof.

Given the circumstances like this, I still want to believe there's hope in this generation as not all are lacking their humanness.

Talking to the mirror, "There's a plank in your eyes"

Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message) 

I have always been critical of myself. I magnified my lapses a hundred times that it covers up everything. After a day's work, I review my performance and realize what a lousy job I've done. This has always been my struggle.

Found this on Google...very..timely, I suppose

I am critical about myself because, this is hard to admit, I am critical about others as well. Very often do I compare myself with others and that eats my joy away. Matthew 7:1-5 hit me to the core because that's one of the ugly side of me; it took me a long time to admit it to myself. I don't nag people or make them my slave; I do what I can without asking for help as much as possible but keep an eye on other people's work as well. It feels that I am always evaluated whether I stand, sit, eat, write. It seems that there's this big floating score board on everyone's head that even a tiny flick of a finger would make a change in the score. I am so scared to make a mistake hence terrified to do things that sometimes it paralyzes me at work. I work best when I feel best, when people commend my work, when I please them. Pleasing people should never be my goal because it will get me nowhere. Performance doesn't matter to God, it is the heart that does.
I am not living the life Jesus died for. I am living a defeated life, a powerless one based on performance not on grace. 

But Jesus knows our struggles. He knows my weaknesses and my ugly side and loves me just the same. 

He gave a solution to that behavior in the following verses.

⁶ “Don’t be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don’t reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you’re only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

^7-11 “Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

¹² “Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get.

I pray that God will change my heart and my critical eyes, that I will see people in His eyes just as he sees me.

a terrible mistake handler

I am terrible in handling mistakes.

I was in 2^nd year of high school. I was one of the three whose project was chosen to enter the interschool competition and by God’s grace won 2^nd place. After the competition, the three of us were invited as guests on a radio program where we’d talk about our project. I always thought it would make my parents proud of me. We went to the radio program together with our teachers. We were introduced by the commentator or whatever you call it. My surname was not read properly replacing a few letters in it making it not my surname. I was too shy to butt in and correct his mistake so I kept quiet about it. We were asked a few questions and it went ok. The sun had already set; it was already dark when we got back to our school. My dad was waiting for me, not with a ready hug but with sermon. He was mad at me for 1.) not correcting my surname 2.) not texting him where I was, instead I was just texting my mom. He asked me, “Do I not matter in this family? Maybe you just want me dead. (I wasn’t texting him because my mom was the first to text me. My dad didn’t send me a single message and I was just replying to my mother’s messages so I kept her updated thinking they were together. Yes they were together in the house.  

So yes instead of “I’m proud of you”, I got a bucket of cold talk on the way home. I cried that night.

I think that’s what shaped me. That I can’t be good enough because my mistakes will always be bigger than my accomplishments, bigger than who I really am. That maybe I am mistake.

I carried that baggage for years. I would put it down for a while but would pick it up again, every step becomes more difficult as the baggage becomes heavier.

Yesterday I made yet another mistake that kept me awake past midnight.

I work as a nurse. I endorsed a patient with fever. I monitored the patient’s temperature but when the fever subsided, I stopped monitoring since the patient was already sleeping comfortably (that’s what I thought). But then the temperature rose and I didn’t know because I thought she’s already ok.  It’s my negligence. I failed again. Big time.

I was lost and my mistakes were eating me. I went home quiet. My mom noticed but I just made an excuse that my throat hurt. I tossed and turned on bed but sleep was elusive. I prayed to God, asked for forgiveness, and then I dozed off. Morning came. My mistake flooded my mind again. It was consuming me. I ate breakfast then went to my room and cried to God. I was so ashamed of myself to ever face God but there’s no other way and I desperately need and miss him. It was drifting away, floating in the vast endlessness.

I had my quiet time.

Luke 24

Looking for the Living One in a cemetery. Jesus didn’t remain dead. He saved me from all my sins by dying on the cross and he rose again. He is not defeated and I shouldn’t be. Jesus overcame death and he lives so I can live. It’s one thing that your savior died for you and another thing that your savior died for you and rose again after three days. It gives me peace knowing that my Savior is with me all the time.

this Psalm really comforts me. God’s love is just too much and it’s exhibited in Jesus. God’s love is just breathtaking. It’s real and constant, unchanged. I can't express it more beautifully than this psalm

^1-2 O my soul, bless God.
    From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
    don’t forget a single blessing!

^3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
    He heals your diseases—every one.
    He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
    He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
    He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
    He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

^6-18 God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
    God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
    keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.
Men and women don’t live very long;
    like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
    leaving nothing to show they were here.
God’s love, though, is ever and always,
    eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
    as they follow his Covenant ways
    and remember to do whatever he said.

^19-22 God has set his throne in heaven;
    he rules over us all. He’s the King!
So bless God, you angels,
    ready and able to fly at his bidding,
    quick to hear and do what he says.
Bless God, all you armies of angels,
    alert to respond to whatever he wills.
Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are—
    everything and everyone made by God.

And you, O my soul, bless God!

Mean girl

I am mean.

I laughed with them. I laughed at someone today.

I felt guilt and shame. I shouldn't have laughed. He must be going on some battles that neither of us are aware.

Heart check:

I hate myself for adding damage to the person but more than that, I can't believe I'm such a mean person.
Pride enters.
How can I be mean when I think I'm not? I'm not mean, am I?

I desperately need the grace of God. I'm such a sinner and nothing near to being good.

I'm humbled.

Sorry.